Yesterday, Grumpy and I ventured out to the mall for lunch.
He waited patiently for me to upload dozens of pictures to my blog as the pictures have all arrived from the wedding. I’ll get more up soon for anyone waiting on their photos. It will take weeks, and I think I’ll start a separate site for this mammoth endeavour.
Back to the story.
I popped in to get my 36 week bloods taken (at 37 weeks as last week I just got too busy and distracted), and then I waddled up to the food court moaning all the way. Have been feeling rather sorry for myself because I don’t have the energy or inclination to do everything I’d like to and things aren’t moving as quickly or smoothly as I would like with my business or some projects I’ve attached myself to.
I am miserable because I am sick, sick, sick. I did it to myself with ridiculous eating disorders and bad decisions in my youth, and then going hog wild with food in my first pregnancy. Actions compound. My decisions and gluttonous personality have culminated in me being far less healthy than I ought to be through this pregnancy, regardless of the fact I am making a concerted effort to be less stupid as I have aged. This is not karma, more just cause and effect.
Regardless. I am deep in the throws of a particularly impressive pity party lately.
“You know, I spend all this time harping on about karma and kindness and being the bigger person.” I huffed on my way up the gentle incline at the mall. “Well, I am starting to think it is all bollocks.” I said sourly.
“Why is that.” Responded Grumpy.
“Well, take, for example (insert secret list of names of people who have hurt me, or us, or other people A LOT in one way or another). They do sweet F-all for anyone else, they don’t seem to learn from their mistakes, they don’t listen, and the universe just keeps reaffirming their assertion that they are entitled to act however they want, they always have gimme gloves on, act like total jerks, lie, think they are cooler than other people, think they are entitled. The worst part is, things seem to continue to pan out for them time and time again.” I whinged. “And what is WORSE, is they never seem satisfied or grateful either.” I growled intensely.
“Is that right?” He responded calmly and thoughtfully as he is prone to do. “Do you really think (insert name of a particular jerk here) is happy? Do you think they are happier than us? Do you really think that their mistakes and stupidity isn’t catching up with them? What would you have karma do exactly? Do you need more smiting? Is your karmic assertion a vengeful one?” He laughed at me.
“Maybe a little more smiting. Some people deserve to be smote a bit. Not my job to dole out smote. But yes. It would be nice if they got knocked back and stopped managing to lie to themselves and others and live in some false fantasy. But they don’t seem to learn or change.” I continued. “Better than smiting, would be if they actually learned to be more gracious or rational, and stopped expecting so much and learned to say thank you or learn from their mistakes and selfishness to give something back for a change. Or at the VERY least, realise that they are hurting people and make some effort to mend that damage, or at least stop making it worse.”
At this point I was almost in tears thinking about how tired I was of trying to save the world and apparently making little to no headway at all. And the demon of indignation welled up even more in my belly as I then thought of all the good people who seem to be handed so much heartache and manage to continue to be kind and decent regardless, or maybe even because, of the hurt that they have been dealt. People who have suffered unimaginable loss or trials, while JERKS make bad decisions and then even have the audacity to COMPLAIN about their lot when it is quite clearly the result of their own selfishness and stupidity!
“And what would your own good karma look like anyway?” He said.
Here I am, living an undeniably charmed and amazing life. I’m basically drowning in the Love and respect of good and interesting people.
Every time I, or we have been duped, damaged, disappointed, or even attacked, we have always managed to claw our way back having learned something from the experience.
I didn’t earn the life or the level of comfort I enjoy. Aside from having a massive penchant for travel, adventure and just getting on with things, it is nothing short of miraculous to think back over the adventures I have had (good and bad). I’ve met some amazing people, been involved with some inspiring charitable, social, environmental and community initiatives. I’ve also been taken for a ride, used, abused, or even defamed. Too often, by the people I have left myself extremely vulnerable and exposed to, and tried the most actively to help in one way or another.
I have also had so much fun. Being able to share great moments with wonderful people, and even some of the more jarring and costly mistakes have had rewards and gains that I can only see if I change perspective and realise they are there. There’s a balance, and it is bigger and more complicated than my feeble comprehension.
So, in a matter of seconds, I went from feeling like a slighted and hard-done-by mega pregnant martyr, to a total jerk. I don’t think either is starkly true.
We have a lot, so we get the amazing opportunity to share lot. Our homes and hearts are open to the point we have made ourselves a slow moving target for some less than ethical characters. But I live in the most beautiful country I have ever seen, in a home that far surpasses my wildest childhood dreams of happily every after, with a motley and magnificent support crew of family and friends. We are generous with what we have, whether that is advice and laughter to share, or things of a more tangible nature like a roof, a meal, gifts, sharing travel or experiences that might otherwise be unattainable. How cool is that?
So today I will try to stop complaining so much and looking enviably over fences at other people’s lives. I will have some faith, gratitude and patience and do my absolute best to celebrate the wins and learn from the losses. Because life is actually beautiful. And part of that beauty is making mistakes and moving forward without pouting, pining or nitpicking. And sometimes, the biggest challenges are actually couching the biggest rewards. Sometimes, things just suck too. But we survive those things surrounded by the Love of family and friends.
People are on their own journey, and I have to let it go and let them be. I should also pay a bit more attention and show a bit more appreciation for my own journey. Make fewer excuses, be a lot less lazy, and a lot more effective. I won’t get anywhere if I don’t keep on moving forward, so forward it has to be.
I’ll start right now by getting some work done and tidying up for our Blessingway this Sunday.
Have a great week, and thanks for suffering through today’s reflections.