I meant to blog about our son turning four on his birthday, which was three weeks ago now.

Time marched on at the typically busy Hobbit household, with a newborn and countless commitments, I never did get around to it.

So I’ll take a stab at giving you a glimpse into life with our third born, charismatic, charming and exhausting child Adam West.

We knew he was a firecracker from the moment he was born. The things I remember most from the moment he arrived were his big, full beautiful lips, and the feeling that I had to make room for another big personality, not unlike my own. He still has those amazing lips, and his personality is indeed larger than life.

Isn’t it amazing how we all have a marked personality of one kind or another from the moment we arrive? I find this stuff endlessly fascinating, if not a little confounding. Where does it come from? With four fantastic little people sharing our home and our hearts, it is abundantly clear that they’re all very unique. Despite having the same raw materials (myself and Grumpy), they are distinctive in personality and profile. I get a grin that hurts a little it is so large as I write that, and my eyeballs are starting to sweat a bit as well. But I’m not crying! Honest.

If you know us, you’ll know that the older children were causing us grief a few years ago, so we sent them off for some psych testing. They both came through the tests as… Ah, stuff it, I’ll just bloody write it, despite the fact I know there will be a bunch of people reading this and gagging or rolling their eyes at this profession. Gifted. We are raising gifted kids. Guess what. It is a thing, it is real, and parents of gifted kids have challenges and concerns that can be tough to deal with. Calling it what it is without shame and speaking openly and candidly with them and other parents about this stuff is the key to what little sanity I am able to securely cling to. So please hang up your judgey pants, because I am not trying to impress or offend anyone.

Okay, apparently I have some issues where this gifted thing is concerned. Dee-fensive or what right! I’ll do a whole blog just on this one day.

For now, back to the story:

I remember a few weeks after Adam was born, and we were still calling him Jaxson or Jonathan (before we realized his name was actually Adam). We took him and his Thames Nana and Poppa to Vanuatu on a tropical babymoon while his siblings were in Canada with my parents.

I remember stating loudly to Nana Margie over breakfast one morning as I mooned over our new baby: “You know what? I think this one might just be totally normal! Wouldn’t that be nice?”

In New Zealand, people can have a pretty rough time if they stand out. So if you are eccentric or extraordinary, and people notice, you may fall prey to the tall poppy syndrome and have people trying to “knock you down a peg or two”. New Zealand is a culture where being different or exceptional can be a burden. So the idea of this third child being “normal” was a comfort as I imagine there’s a sweet spot, where the most idyllic Kiwi childhoods are experienced. I envisage happy, active, fresh-faced children who don’t cause waves and don’t stick out too much. This is probably BS.  Every single kid, neigh, every person, has their own set of trials and triumphs, IQ means very little indeed when running the gauntlet of childhood and life.  However, I still strangely clung to the idea he was a bit more “normal” and might have a slightly easier ride than his quirky siblings.

Adam is many things, but normal or agreeably average he certainly is not. When he was only little, he came perilously close to being kicked out of his very reputable daycare. Yes, that’s right. He ran a very real risk of being shown the door at the tender age of two. He had a big temper and kept biting other kids. So, the child psychologist was called in to observe our little angel, and decide whether he was a lost cause and must be shipped out for the safety of the other children.

Not a huge highlight in our parenting portfolio.

We got the report and it was suggested that he was bright. Really bright, and perhaps, as a result, he may be frustrated. Sadly, it did not endear him to some teachers who had decided he was a lost cause. Despite being well trained and professional, it was abundantly clear that some of them simply did not like our little bundle of emotion, intelligence and energy. And that made me sad. Luckily, when he moved up to the next level, he found a tough but funny and fair teacher, who had a soft spot for him. We miss her. She was so great to and for him.

Years later it breaks my heart that he still has real trouble relating to kids his own age. I’ve often come to collect him, and found him playing on his own, which leaves me wondering how useful it was to send him to childcare before he turned two. We did this to help his social skills and give us some time during the week to pursue our own child-free interests and obligations.

As a furiously engaged four year old, Adam has already staked his claim as a geek, just like everyone else in this family. We all have our obsessions and interests and pursue them beyond the realms of normal people. He’s no different. Our son is obsessed with Volcanoes. He has chewed through countless gigabytes of YouTube footage on this subject matter. He’s known how to spell the words magma and lava for months now.

This fantastic four year old, despite a jaw dropping vocabulary and grasp of complicated concepts is still just that, a four year old. He has trouble pronouncing his r’s (often sounded out as a b sound) and y’s (often sounded out as an l sound) yet he asks us complicated existential questions about life, death and mortality. He asks about pyroclastic eruptions (fi-lo plastic ebubtions) and how much warning we might get if one of these mega explosions were to occur in Auckland.

He also adores all things Batman. This is entirely our fault as we have encouraged this affinity from the time we started calling him Adam West.

I don’t know what kind of a job we are doing raising this small but mighty fellow. And we all have a soft spot for him as he’s squished in the middle of a strange and lively group of siblings.

I do know that we Love him with all our hearts. He has a temper, he can be absolutely impossible to reason with and control, especially after he’s had a decent dose of sugar. He is also cheerful, and charming, and kind, and empathetic and amazing. I worry about him more than I ever did about the other children. He is impulsive and has very big emotions. Still, I am confident that with his huge heart, vivid imagination, and stacks of charm, he will be just fine.

We Love you so much little man. And one day, we would very much like to take you to Lellostone National Park to see the geysers and tell us all about seismic activity there and around the world.

Happy Birthday Adam West.

My dad has a saying, which I’ve always thought was pretty accurate.

“Opinions are like assholes.”  He’d say.  “Everyone has one, and they are usually full of…” You get the idea.

As you know, we’re in an election year.  So lots of people are sparking arguments and flexing their opinions on who they think you should or shouldn’t vote for. I particularly enjoyed this opinion piece that Grumpy read to me a couple of months ago:

Why-I-will-not-vote-National

We have some very dear friends who are staunch National voters.  I have no idea who I am going to vote for, but I am 99.9% certain that it will not be National. If you are also having some issues, here is a fun little website called On The Fence that you might enjoy. It asks you some questions and suggests who you might be most aligned to vote for.

Back to my story.

I adore the people I am talking about.  They are kind, generous, funny, supportive and loyal friends.  These facts do not change because they don’t vote the same as me.

They posted some pretty pro-National stuff on social media.  I don’t generally comment and stay as a-political as I can online, however, I chose to chime in on this occasion.  I mentioned something that the party has done that REALLY gets my blood boiling.  I also mentioned that I was a bit jealous that he obviously knew what party he was voting for.  I am currently no closer to making a decision and feeling quite disillusioned with the whole process.  I did not tell him he was wrong.  I didn’t tell him he ought to think or vote more like me.  I like him.  I cherish his friendship.  And I think he’s smart enough to have his own opinions about lots of stuff, not the least of which being which party he votes for.

Anyone who knows me knows that I have opinions about EVERYTHING and I don’t tend to hold back on sharing them.  Time and experience have taught me that trying to force these opinions on others is about as useful as attempting to paint a house with a toothbrush.  Both prospects are exhausting, and completely futile.  People will stick more firmly to their ideas if they feel they are being scolded or attacked.  So I try very hard not to do this.  However, I must say, it feels very nice to know like-minded people with similar philosophies.  I can let rip with my opinions (which can be fairly extreme) and not have to worry about offending anyone.  It makes me feel smart and supported to have deep and meandering conversations about social and environmental issues with people who share my ideologies.  And there are few things in life I enjoy more than engaging in these activities.

I suppose my way of sharing openly and loudly my thoughts can be a bit overwhelming to some people.  But let me assure you, if you are at the receiving end of one of my many rants, I don’t necessarily need you to change your opinions or agree with me.  I’ll give you a chance to voice your stance; all I ask is that you show me the same respect.  I learn a lot when I listen.  Sometimes I just learn that I feel even more secure in my stance on something, other times, I am given cause to change my opinions completely.

Let me share another quick story with you.  I think I might have confounded some new mums I met in the parents’ room where we were all feeding our newborns yesterday.  Three of us had very similarly aged children and with babies on our boobs we got chatting and laughing.  One of the ladies has only recently arrived in NZ and is trying to find her feet and some friends.  We exchanged details and I do hope we catch up again soon.

In short order, we established that we had quite a lot in common.  Both of the mothers vaccinated their children.  I am pro vaccination, so that was happily not a contentious issue in our conversation.  Either side of that particular can of worms can be fairly OTT in my experience.  Then one of the mothers asked about nappies as she wasn’t fond of Huggies.  I mentioned that I probably wasn’t the right person to be asking, as I used biodegradable nappies that I had to admit were far more expensive and probably weren’t overly awesome at containing things compared to the less environmentally sound options.

That small interaction outlined the fact that as parents we are all constantly running a gauntlet of other people’s opinions.   And man do people feel free to share them with you!  I’ve had friends, family, and even strangers stick their noses into my parenting practices with “helpful advice” ranging from when to start solids, to how we choose to discipline our kids.  For any new parents out there, I have to give you one piece of immeasurably useful advice:

Don’t take on too much of other people’s advice.

Seriously, there are conflicting ideas and ways of doing things.  Basically, if you give your kid a safe, loving environment and feed them frequently, you are winning at parenting.  So don’t be too hard on yourself.

So, in conclusion, I think my dad is once again wise indeed.  We all have opinions.  It is better when these are based on careful consideration and corroborated evidence than hearsay or whatnot.  I think things like the Dunning-Kruger effect are worth keeping in mind.  This effect is basically that people who are very sure of something (like their own abilities perhaps) are probably not actually as clued up as they think, while people who have doubts might actually know a lot more than they think.

Researching this blog, I stumbled across this study that showed people who feel good about themselves are more likely to consider other points of view, while miserable people are more likely to be unwavering in their opinions, despite evidence or rational arguments.  I found that fascinating, and I’d love to know what you think if you have the time to read the article.

People will have strong opinions, even opinions that you find unpalatable or offensive. It is not your job to fight to change what other people think and do every day of your life, nor is it mine.  If we really want things to change our best chance of success will be deeds, not your words.  Actions speak volumes and presenting the world with strong opinions leaves us open to scrutiny or can leave you looking like a hypocrite or worse, utterly wrong if you haven’t thoroughly checked your facts.  So be careful with your opinions, but absolutely free to have them.  We need different perspectives, and I like being challenged and given cause to change my thinking from time to time, and I hope that other people do as well.

Have a great rest of the week wherever you are.  And thank you for reading.