I have been extra miserable, spoiled, neurotic, tired, self-destructive and difficult lately.

Strangely, this foul mood kicked in while I was away with the children on a dream family vacation (we left Grumpy behind to work, and work he did!) to Hawaii.

I didn’t (and don’t) feel that I deserved such a lavish and amazing adventure. Also, there was the stress of having both my mother and mother-in-law and all four children along with a very busy sightseeing schedule.  It turned out that none of my planned opportunities get some work done eventuated.

Mum and Mom were extremely helpful and often took the three older children on adventures on the boat or on shore while I drove around with James and got lost on purpose high in the hills on Hawaiian islands.  Getting lost is something I have an undeniable knack for, and it is when I have no plans or preconceptions that the magic happens and the best adventures are had.

I guess the lack of control and being faced head on with the reality of my middle son’s temper sent me in a tail spin.

Bit of a champagne complain to have a breakdown on a cruise I realise.  But breakdown I did, and I am just now coming right again, thanks, nearly entirely, to my long suffering husband.

He welcomed a sobbing, sniffling wife and daughter at the arrivals hall after our ridiculous comedy of errors meant we were nearly the first people off the plane and the very last to leave the customs controlled area.  Things continued to deteriorate.  On Wednesday night I walked into the house, yelled a little (okay, maybe a lot), then I turned on my heel and left the house and drove to Matakana and sat in relative peace for five hours before turning around and coming home very late that night.

With all my crazy swirling around, and feeling like a complete failure at parenting, PR, scheduling, friendship, family, and probably life in general, Phteven remains patient and in good humour.

He takes many opportunities to mock my mental state this month and be properly politically incorrect.  Some people would consider this cruel, but we have a marriage where nothing is ever swept under the carpet or ignored.  Facts, even unpleasant ones, are faced head on and either laughed at till they are made more manageable and less scary (you can’t be overwhelmed by something you are laughing at), or faced head on and dealt with.

My state of mind took a real and positive turn a day or two ago when a simple phone conversation turned into a cathartic outpouring:

“You know what REALLY pisses me off right now!”  I screamed at my husband over the phone with our somewhat shell-shocked office manager watching my crazy unfold.  “I can’t EVEN HATE YOU because you’ve been an absolute $*&%#@! legend, and patient and kind through every single one of my crazy spells!  I WANT TO BE MAD AT YOU AND I CAN’T EVEN DO THAT! I can’t even blame you for the way I am feeling, cause you’re amazing.  Jerk.”

My candour was met with Grumpy’s trademark calm and laughter.

I’m letting go of a few things this week.  Priorities are my middle son, my marriage and attempting to keep a low enough profile that I don’t destroy too many of my personal or professional relationships through spitting impatient vitriol around at people for no good reason.

Not sure if I’m winning at this, you’d have to ask the unfortunate souls who have had to deal with me lately.

I do know one thing for certain, this black cloud will pass and I’ll be back to my painfully perky self soon enough.

Until then, thanks to everyone who has talked to/dealt with me and thought something is not quite right.

Have a great end of the week everyone.

And thank you Phteven for putting up with me.