I woke up before 2:00am with some vague sense of dread. It is the middle of the night, and the recently full moon is shining so bright through cracks in my thick bedroom curtains that for a moment, I thought it was morning. An equally pleasant and unpleasant surprise when I stumbled out to the kitchen and saw what time it was. 2:02 on a Tuesday.
So I thought I’d do a train of thought blog.
Here’s my parameters:
I’ll time myself for two minutes. I’ll jot notes on the thoughts that tumble through my head in that minute and then I will expand upon them enough so that they are somewhat cognitive enough to be understood…
Faraday, Michael. A genius. He suffered. Suffering sucks. Wonder if that is the curse of genius. Adam suffers. It breaks my heart. All the kids do. How am I supposed to raise kids who are so much smarter than me? Don’t much like the name Michael. I’m not a genius. The name Bruce is great. My dad is great. Why do I care what people think? Steve sleeping is making me jealous. Wish I was sleeping. I love sleep. Shame about the TPP. So secretive. Scares me. Are we all powerless? How many people would it take to start a revolution? (Crowded House: Don’t Dream It’s Over plays in my head in the background) What would a Kiwi revolution look like? I really hate the idea of a revolution. (Insert many flashes of images from Gone with Wind, Terminator and WW2 movies here) Unless it’s peaceful. Is there such a thing as a genuinely peaceful revolution? (images of the Simpsons episode where Homer’s mother is running from “the man”) A lot of people are upset about the poacher who killed a lion. Bad, bad, bad, bad, bad. Our problems are so much bigger than one lion. Mass extinction. 90% of big fish have been fished and the ocean is dying. Our planet is dying. Do people understand? Am I wrong maybe? I’d like to be wrongs. Don’t think that’s a possibility. Climate change. It is so big. So big. Wonder if I am a conspiracy theorist. Probably not too much if I think I might be. What is that razor called? That one that stipulates that you should never attribute to malice what can be explained by basic incompetence. I’ll try and remember that. That dentist hunter is one of the most hated men on earth right now. I am sure he has some redeeming qualities, and surely there’s someone who loves him. Actually, there are probably people who think big game hunting is cool for real. Hunting to eat seems reasonable, hunting like he did must mean he is very ill indeed to want to kill such a beautiful animal. Email flashed up. I wish I’d responded to that LinkedIn email sooner. C has cancer. I feel terrible for avoiding her because I felt guilty about standing her up the other day. I hate cancer. I miss her. Wonder if S has gotten any more results back. K still needs a kidney. Think his brother is giving him one. Wonder when I will see the family out West again? I miss so many people. Everyone has problems. I wish I could do more. I am such a crap friend. How can I be a good friend when I Love so many people? Would someone actually lie about having cancer? People will figure out you’re lying and the fallout won’t be good. Wish that didn’t make me so angry. Sad. Space in my brain wasted on worrying about that. Grrrr. How can you trust people? I want to trust people. Wish people didn’t lie so much. Wish I had a Tank Juice right now.
Two minutes up.
Shame I didn’t choose a more positive couple of minutes in my brain. There are many positive minutes in my brain. Minutes filled with gratitude and fond memories. This was just not one of those minutes I guess.
I had very little idea what I hope to achieve by opening up my internal dialogue to the world like this.
Writers block and feeling a bit overwhelmed more often than I would like has set in like a thick fog. I am not currently depressed. Not even sad, and there are times when my thoughts are very neatly organised and not a jumble like the two minutes of Dee’s brain I have just shared. I am busy and awake and wanted to share a bit of my brain and see if it is pretty normal, which, to be honest, I suspect it is. Thoughts tumble down our stream of consciousness. It is just a thing that happens.
If you suffered through today’s blog, I thank you. If it helped you to stop and think about your thoughts and improve them and be easier and on, more positive to yourself in some way, that would certainly make all the effort of sharing this blog well worth while.
Have a wonderful day and a great rest of the week.