Sometimes, it confounds me how secure my husband is with our relationship, himself, and his path. It’s inspiring. He has down turns when he doubts himself, but today he is sure-footed and confident on his path.
This morning I woke up at 6:30, and shortly after, Grumpy stirred and we discussed his rather stellar day yesterday. He’s loaded with win lately, and it is excellent to see him with a spring in his step.
While he goes from strength to strength, I am struggling with knowing my place. I am no longer the primary parent. I am no longer the captain of the ship at work. I am not a full time student, but am ensconced in a fascinating masters degree. I am too old, tired and chubby to be a trophy wife. I am yet to have achieved much of anything that I can truly call my own, as all of my life’s achievements are incredibly reliant on the work and efforts of other people. I don’t mind this, but I do wonder if or when I will find my own unique trajectory. Perhaps a book, or an agile feminist trust or organisation that helps bust misogyny and gender bias in every possible direction. One day, I will do something amazing, all the things I’ve done so far are leading up to it, I am certain.
I’m not in any hurry, as being along for the adventures that those around me have initiated has been exciting, fulfilling and fun. I’ve gotten pretty good at practicing resilience and carrying on when the going gets tough. I’ve also had to build a pretty thick skin as oh lawdy lawd there are some incredible jerks around.
All of this floating around not knowing my place has manifested into some pretty weird dreams.
I watched the documentary “The Human Experiment” a couple of nights ago (highly recommend BTW, it was intense).
The doco was narrated by Sean Penn. I’ve not got much of an opinion on Sean Penn, except it is clear he is deep, talented and liberal. Looking at pictures of him, he seems like the sort of guy who’s demons dwell close to the surface. There are evil people who always have a smirk or smile and never seem to lose their cool or show extremes of emotion, and those are the people that scare me on this planet, not the Sean Penns of the world.
Anyway. With all that is going on, I had a dream that I was in a huge lecture theatre learning about social and environmental resilience. Sean Penn was the prof, and a torrid and exquisite affair ensued.
I told Steve in some fairly hefty detail about the dream, and he was very pleased about the whole thing.
“Well OBVIOUSLY that’s a dream about me.” He grinned while pulling me close for a morning cuddle.
“Um, so you’re like Sean Penn?” I was puzzled by this.
“Of course I am. That’s how the brain works. So, what are some of the characteristics of Sean Penn?” He asked me.
“I guess, he’s smart, grumpy, talented, and on many levels a social and political activist.” I said.
“Exactly.” Responded my impenetrably confident life partner. “That’s how dreams work.” He smugly announced. “They are all subconscious and stuff, you see me as a huge and well known superstar, obviously.”
So that’s that. Grumpy is masquerading as any and all possible people in my conscious and subconscious.
That’s good I guess.