There is so much I want to say to you, but cascades of words and emotion are what trigger you to hurt me, so I will choose my words carefully and speak from my heart and hope you can receive the Love and hope I have for both of us as I share these sentiments, reflections, and meandering observationswith you.
I know that the way I speak, act, do, feel, or am triggers that hurt and I am incredibly sorry. I also know that I am almost certainly not solely responsible for what is broken in your heart, I merely remind you of it. I am sentient and exhausted that I do this to you, and I want so much to hug you until you know that you are perfect. Your pain only holds you back and makes both of us suffer needlessly, sometimes for a moment, and tragically, I fear, that damage can ripple year after year.
None of us are innocent, and we have all caused hurt and heartache, by chance, by choice, or by thoughtlessly unleashing our voice.
I have so often given people whiplash with my turn of phrase, the issues I raise, and the undeniable mania and craze that burst out of me in so many strange ways. I’m trying not to be a pain. I don’t always succeed, and have right or wrong, often been labeled insane. Perhaps I scare you, as you see that some efforts can rain down comfort or damage, as actions, words and deeds affect things and people, again, and again, and again.
I know that you have been hurt. I know because you and I are not so different, and our hearts are heavy and fragile. Every challenge and triumph shapes us both and our view. You are not me, and I am not you. Each thread in our tapestry is a thought, feeling, and our own memory. This shapes how and what we do, and the same method weaves its own image as it did for you, so it does for me.
You choose to be bitter, or better, and a lost, little, loud girl from Alberta would be honoured to cheer for you and build you up if you’d just let her, whatever the cost.
Why must you whisper and wend your way through tunnels of gossip and chatter that defer us both from things that matter.
Words are powerful. You hold so much potential in every syllable, and all of your subtle or explicit actions, as do I. We are the masters of our ability to create meaning or destroy… moments… with words you choose and the cool that we lose. If you only knew how much you could do if you chose Love, not cling so stubbornly to hate and to fear.
I wish you well.
We are all dining with demons that make us feel threatened, you might just find, that we share a seat at this table and both spend most of our days feeling lost and unstable.
Sadness aside, please know, that I’ve collected each tear that I’ve cried, and a bigger vessel has lessened the pain that came from the hope that you’ve denied us both with slander and slights. You’ve taught me to fight without throwing a stone. You’ve taught me to feel less shame, and celebrate the frailties I’ve known. Please hear me when I tell you, we both feel alone. Every eye that you’ve rolled, every comment you’ve trolled, each time that you’ve lied or shared with a room, dramatic and exasperated groans or passive aggressive signs you’ve sighed. Well my armour has strengthened and my path has been beautifully lengthened. I’m armed with the knowledge that I can and will slay, day by day, any dragon your insecurity sends, with kindness and patience and the force, gravity and momentumfound in the arms and hearts of true friends.
The older I get, the less I let your sadness and resentment infect me. Time, resilience, and the truth that whatever happens I keep going, sweeps in to protect me.
The feeling of false power you seem, to so strangely enjoy, won’t serve you. The energy you exert trying to hurt, to destroy… would be so much more effectively spent finding your truth, your passion. Kindness is a thing that is always in fashion. Instead of seeking vindication or “knocking someone down a peg” why not try talking at length about things that matter, in your heart, and your head. Speak words of creation, ideas, hope, possibilities and strength. Don’t be so absurdly bent, on seeking validation for disapproval, fear, ignorance, and distress. Your wounds do not need to define you. It’s unwelcome and destructive duress. I’m only walking ahead or behind you because you are too proud to let me walk by your side.
There’s infinite space and I’ve learned the grace needed to forgive enough to defend you, and not ostracise, marginalize or vilipend you. Let Love and tolerance be your guide. Fear does not serve you, I know because I’ve tried to find comfort in throwing false weight and power at those who’ve been bitchy or just vilified… Trust me, if you asked, I promise I’d lend you, dear broken friend, whatever tool or detail you feel denied.
We are all infinitely powerful and it is a miracle we exist. So why, do some people seem to insist on smacking down others, or forcing the knife in a turned back with a cruel flick of their wrist?
If you are still reading, I think it important you knew, that this pithy upchuck of emotion is almost certainly not directed at you.
Most people are kind, quirky, hopeful, helpful and quite often a bit lost. And sometimes people feel threatened, and feel kindness comes at too vast a cost.
So, this is just my cringeworthy blog, I am calling both our bluff. The world’s full of pain and enough is enough.
Tomorrow I’ll smile if there’s a bully who scoffs, growls or roars. I’ll think “who hurt you?” as my hope and heart soars, because I know, with a few exceptions we must simply make effort to ignore (those interminably evil, toxic types, such a bore!), to be kind is enough, even just for kindness’s sake. Most are good, mistakes we all make. So if you’re sleeping and not listening I’ll chill until you wake, up and know the world’s a beautiful and terrifying place. And we are both struggling, it isn’t a race.
We’re in this together, and I can say, without agenda or fear, that I know we’re both better when we don’t scoff, but instead cheer.
Thank you, I Love you, in all the mess we both are. And if you’ve read and embraced this, thanks, you’re a star!