Living Life Out Loud and Feeling a Bit Exposed…

April 26, 2015April 27, 2015 / Dee / 1 Comment

I’ve made a very conscious choice to wear faults and failings, as I do my triumphs and adventures, on my sleeve.

Sharing thoughts, experiences and feelings with the world; online and often, is commonplace for me.

At worst, it opens me up to judgment and scrutiny from strangers and haters. At best it opens up my heart and life (and message folder) to people who become great friends and allies in the altogether hectic, painful, beautiful, difficult and wonderful life.

Wow, I started in with the pithy pretty early in this blog.

Hang in there please, this should be good and useful stuff if you manage to shovel through the schmaltz and stick with me until I wrap this up.

So, why am I so open? Am I simply an insecure and needy exhibitionist type? Do I crave acceptance and absolution from strangers and friends and plead my case regularly and publicly in an attempt to win you all over? Am I so arrogant that I think an audience will benefit immeasurably from my experiences?

There’s almost certainly an element to all of these things.

Here’s the thing that I keep coming back to though:

Every person who lives and breaths is amazing, complex, beautiful and we all have some ugliness mixed in in varying degrees at various times.

I sincerely feel that the distance between each and every one of us decreases with candor and sharing. I also believe that the absolute shortest distance between people is shared laughter.

I share stories and very actively toil to add an element of humour when I share thoughts and experiences. Sometimes it is in the form of self-deprecation, sometimes the stories I share are absurd enough that they require no finessing to be funny.

Here’s the thing though; You and everyone else has absolute power to twist anything I share. You can throw confessions or thoughts back in my face. You can alter and contort any of my experiences or stories with simple additions, exclusions, amplifications or exaggerations as you see fit.

Once I share anything, it is no longer exclusively mine. By virtue of taking the time to read the words I write, you own a bit of real estate in my life, my heart and my head. I give it to you and anyone else who chooses to read my blog or anything I share freely.

Some people put a great deal of effort into building walls and feeding an identity that makes them feel safe or secure. Some people put their best face forward all the time and want to convince themselves and the world that they have their s*** together.

I have no hope of ever convincing anyone that I have my s*** together. I am a hot mess with a big heart and high-ideals. Being as deliciously different as I am means I am privy to hurts and helps far superior to anything I’d ever have imagined I’d feel or know. I feel like I have the freedom to be myself openly and honestly, and I feel like that makes me a better friend, role model to my children, and generally a happier freer person because I don’t have to worry about people finding out about the real me, as the real me is the me I get to be most of the time.

It also means I see greatness, brokenness, faults and fabulousness in everyone else I see and meet. There’s not as much distance between you and me and everyone else on this planet as some people perceive. We’re all fighting battles, and we’re all learning in varying degrees and with varying speed and success.

I am an observer and a participant in this life, as we all are.

Even after years, or decades, of living life out loud, I am still absolutely devastated when people interpret my kindness for weakness, my vulnerability for feebleness, my quirkiness for foolishness, or my earnest for naivety.

I share my learning with people, in the hopes that they will share theirs with me, and we’ll both be better off. My opinions and beliefs are changing all the time based on the stories and opinions people generously share with me.

The absolute best and worst part of my existence is people.

Being naked and vulnerable as I choose to be means there are people who don’t require much encouragement to decide that they are far superior to me in some or many ways. Sometimes, for whatever reason, people hurt other people in cowardly, backhanded or childish way. Sometimes our closest friends and staunchest allies break our hearts with words and actions, despite having the absolute best intentions. Because I choose to let people into my thoughts, and life so actively, people can hurt me without too much effort. I get that. And for the most part, I can take the good with the bad.

Because I openly and honestly share my struggles with ADD, depression, parenting, professional life, friendships, marriage, self-esteem, relationships, power struggles, pain, loss, Love, learning, travel, health, hope, happiness and sadness; some people dismiss me, or attack me, with my own words. Other people engage with me on a level of trust and Love and friendship that makes this whole life more manageable for both of us I think. It is a risk we all take when we share a bit or ourselves I suppose.

If you take the time to read or share any of this with me, you get to decide how you relate to me, and my journey. You get to decide if you find my choices and behaviours uplifting or abhorrent. You get to decide if you feel superior, equal, or comforted. You get to decide if you see some of yourself in my observations and experiences. You have total control over how you decide to pick up what I am throwing down as I share these (and any other) words with you.

So, thank you from the very bottom of my heart for sharing the journey with me occasionally, frequently, or closely. Please take it easy on me, and anyone else that has the courage to share a bit of themselves with you. And you can be as open or as guarded as you want with your life and experiences, and I will go ahead and keep living my life out loud and feeling elated and vulnerable at differing times and to differing degrees.

Guess that’s it for today.

Thank you, especially because this was a long one, for tuning in and sharing the journey with me.

Office Arrangement Awesomeness Makes Today a MAGIC Monday!

April 12, 2015April 12, 2015 / Dee / 1 Comment

I’ve been moping around a little bit lately with that “why do so many people mistake my kindness for weakness and take me for a fool?” kind of storm cloud raging over my head.

Dramatic selfie of Dee moping. Poor poor pitiful me. Boohoo.

Total waste of time, because the moping kept me from seeing all the amazing people around me!

Almost exactly a year ago, we had a last minute pot luck before I have birth to our fourth and final child. Just about everyone we asked came along, the kids played, the parents laughed, and I am still absolutely chuffed to know each and every person in this picture (although I wish I saw them all more and we weren’t all so busy!)

My very outgoing personality, and Grumpy’s huge heart combine to make us a very accessible, very open, generous and trusting team. We had a hitchhiker couch surf at our house for two years on and off at the beginning of our relationship, and we’ve had dozens of people and families stay with us or use any one of our holiday homes for various reasons. We like giving back, and we like showing strangers and friends the kindness that was shown to us as we maneuvered through life and sometimes needed a helping hand. Most of these experiences have been GREAT.

Sometimes, unsavory characters creep in and leave me feeling depleted and actually pretty pissed off.

truth

Well, the dark clouds have lifted.

With a workweek full of adventures and interesting campaigns and clients, four healthy, happy, and (despite being watched by their father for a good chunk of the weekend while I slept) currently uninjured children to go home to later today for laughs and cuddles, and so much to look forward to and be excited about this year, I am feeling absolutely reborn!

Our home is currently bursting at the seams with good people who are enriching our lives and CLEANING and ORGANISING everything!

I want to share with you, just how rejuvenated that help cleaning and organising has made me.

A friend from high school in Canada got me in touch with a woman who was planning on coming to NZ for a bit. We met and chatted over social media, she came for a visit with her travel companion and very dear friend Danielle, and they were only mildly scared of me and my incessant chatter and ADD-licious ways. They didn’t have any solid plans, so we agreed that they’d stay in our apartment and we’d cover room and board if they’d help us out with some things (like cleaning and kids).

A few weeks later, I arrived home from an overseas trip to San Diego for a conference (and to visit some very good friends) to a clean garage. A clean house. Clean cars. Happy kids.

A few weeks in now, the girls came in and completely renovated and finished my somewhat sad little office over the weekend. They spent all of Sunday sourcing picture frames, buying second hand furniture, moving things around, hanging curtains, and being proper angels on earth to me.

My beloved Nerd/Dork retro cups. Too small to drink out of as I have a bucket of tea, not a cup, but definitely one of my favourite things in the world. Maria gave them to me on my 34th Birthday. She is also great. Most people are I believe.

Retro desks, that it turns out I paid waaaayyy too much for but I love them anyway. My friends cleaned up the whole training room and put away all the bits and bobs.

Clean desk! Wonder how long it will stay this way?

Training room at the ready!

Clean desk sans Dee selfie 🙂

Come over and have a chat with me at the office anytime! It looks great!

Fffffffoooooosebook.

Nerd Dork in pride of place (as it ought to be!)

Tidy little kitchen with plenty of geekiness.

Training room ready for some lucky guests to come and feel all cosy and LEARN some cool stuff!

Fave pic! Great spot for it Thanks ladies!

So, if you are having a tough run and dealing with not-so-great people, hang in there. And, as far as I can tell, there are FAR more good people out there than bad ones, and even the ones who leave us feeling a little tired and scarred have something to teach us, so please keep your heart and mind open, and keep letting good people in. I know I will!

The Magical Meeting of Kay

January 12, 2015January 13, 2015 / Dee / 1 Comment

Always, always, A-L-W-A-Y-S be gracious, and if you can’t then at least be brief and kind.

However, I strongly feel that if you are gracious and genuinely interested in people, you give yourself a much better chance of meeting fascinating and wonderful humans that will teach you important and poignant lessons.

I have met and re-met some wonderful people while traveling around the country over the past few weeks.

The story I want to share briefly is about a slightly scruffy, bushy bearded, one-eyed man.

We are in Christchurch.

Steve and Nick went to a gathering at Duncan and Thea’s seriously sustainable and super fabulous house in Tai Tapu. This couple is gorgeous, and funny, and warm and really walking the talk of sustainability. It was humbling to see how much they do and realize how much more I could be doing.

I digress.

So at this point I am absolutely knackered, but I have to eat so I arranged to have everyone meet at the local pub for a quick bite so I could go to bed early after I unsuccessfully attempted to have a nap earlier in the day.

While we were waiting for our food to arrive, a little old man rocked up to the table.

He was in a stripy polo shirt and dress pants that you could tell had been worn in a workshop or whilst tinkering with engines or wood or something.

His hands were knobbly and he had whisps of silver hair on his head and a bushy salt and pepper beard.

He stopped when he saw the Tesla, as he’d been attempting to make it to the catch up at our friends’ farm earlier that day, but got quite lost.

I took him for a ride and he started to tell me a bit about himself.

He is a genius. A dottery, sweet, kind, eccentric, beautiful GENIUS!

He makes musical instruments, he was responsible for the NEEV truck (which was full electric and way ahead of its time), he has raised his own children and a number of adopted and fostered children as well.

He is kind, sweet, brilliant and delectably different.

So many people might have dismissed him if he had approached them and interrupted their dinner, and I am so unreservedly relieved I did not.

He joined us for a cup of tea and some pudding while we had our dinners. I chatted at length to him about his children, and foster children and his many instruments and inventions.

His name is Kay. And he is richer than most in experience, warmth and intellect. He called it a “picture memory” for electronics and engineering.

Beyond his staggering smarts, I was blown away by his kindness. His warmth came through in his many stories. This man has lived so many lifetimes and touched so many people. He is not an eccentric millionaire type, he’s been broken down and reduced to the bare necessities of life time and again, yet he remains full of joy and positivity.
Taking him for a spin in the Tesla and having him join us for dinner left him buzzing. Meeting him left me humbled and gave me plenty of food for thought.

So the only thing I want to leave you with today is this:

Everyone has a story. You will be the one that benefits if you take the time to listen to someone who wants to tell you theirs.

I look very forward to being in touch with Kay and am so pleased he enjoyed his time with us last night, as we all very much enjoyed meeting him.

Why do We Gossip?

October 23, 2014October 23, 2014 / Dee / 2 Comments

Gossipy Gerties… They’re everywhere, in every demographic, age group, country, class and creed. So why do we gossip?

Why do people talk about people? We all do it. Even those who are the sweetest, smartest and strongest in character and conviction have a vent about someone or something now and again. There does seem to be a fairly strong and interesting correlation between clever and content people NOT engaging in gossip or smack talk, and rather building others up even in their absence. We all ought to engage more in the building and less in the tearing down.

Excellent observation!

So where was I going with this?

Oh yes.

It is no secret that I can be pretty judgmental, in positive and negative lights. I form very strong ideas, feelings, and opinions about people and things. I do not suffer fools and if I feel wronged by someone or disagree with their actions they’ll almost certainly know about it. Perhaps that’s why I am not often surprised when it gets back to me that people have been saying vile or mean things behind my back.

What goes around comes around I guess. And frankly, the chances are, I probably earned some of the smack talk. Then, again, I’ve been handed back some pretty malicious and cruel words and thoughts from the mouths and hearts of people who I thought were friends, or at least on my side as I was on theirs. Those instances hurt. But the sting is softened by the army of advocates who speak kindly of me as I do of them. Kind and true words make everyone feel better and stronger. Being a jerk about someone behind their backs is just going to make the person dishing out the negativity look bad in the long run.

The truth also comes out in the wash. People will believe the lies and embellishments of fools or meanies for a time, but the truth and a person’s character will shine through.

True douchebags can be well admired and supported for a time as well, but again, the general talk about them will change when the truth about their dark dealings, dubious decisions or distinct douchebaggery finally comes to light.

Mean spirited or nasty people may be admired and spoken well of for a time, but the way they treat others and the way they act will be noticed and one day their reign of BS will end. No need to speak ill of them, they will seal their own fate.

So why do people talk about others? Why do haters hate and spend precious time and energy dragging other people’s reputations through the mud by saying mean or hurtful things behind their backs?

Well, in my 30 odd years of passive research on this matter, I’d say it could be owing to a number of things. Here’s some of them:

Jealousy
Insecurity
Boredom
They are just mean
You did something gossip worthy, out of character or dumb, and people talk about it because it makes them feel better
They just do not like you.

I’m aiming to keep my thoughts a bit more brief and succinct, so I shan’t unpack each of these points too much.

Perhaps the vast majority of gossip is just entertainment. But none of us find it very entertaining when we are the subject of other people’s chatter. So think about that before or as you engage in mean or hurtful gossip. Also think about what the person dishing dirt to you may be saying while you are absent.

So I shall endeavor in earnest to speak kindly of others and not engage in mindless or inane gossip about people I do or do not know. I’ll try and get back to you on how it goes. I am guessing it should pan out rather positively, for me and the people I am either not talking about, or speaking fondly of.

Have a great rest of the week.

Thanks for reading!

Attempting to Unravel the Truth About Beauty – Part Two

April 12, 2014April 12, 2014 / Dee / Leave a comment

Beauty – Part Two

The human race’s obsession with attractiveness is probably, in essence, quite innocent. Displaying and acknowledging attractiveness can be argued to be a perfectly reasonable evolutionary mechanism employed by most (if not all) people to help determine health and vitality. We’re naturally drawn to attractive people as it is generally synonymous with health, vitality, fertility, and good genes.

I can’t be bothered talking about any of that.

I do, however, want to wrap up this conversation about beauty. Seeing as it is my blog, I’ll give this final installment the Dee treatment, and just share with you my own personal opinions on what is beautiful, basically ignoring the screeds of research I’ve been wading through on the subject.

I’ve opted to share five things that I think are beautiful to illustrate my point on this subject. I am leaving out countless others including:

1) Integrity

2) Grace

3) Smile lines and well-earned physical signs of living a full and interesting life

4) Honesty

5) Humility

6) Generosity

7) A warm smile

8) Health and vitality (regardless of what the scales may say!)

9) Confidence…

The list could go on and on.

However, for today’s blog I am sticking to five things that I think make women truly beautiful:

1) Strength and resilience

I realised again last week that there are a number of absolutely amazing women I am lucky enough to know, that have overcome some gargantuan obstacles in their lives.

I am lucky enough to have met women who have faced (and overcome) addictions, mental illness, hard times that I can’t even imagine being faced with. Women who have survived life-threatening illness, cared for others tirelessly (be it a sick or severely disabled child, family member, or in some cases they have made the care of others a career), mind numbing loss, war, natural disasters, poverty, abuse. These ladies have experienced rock-bottom and climbed out with an understanding and resilience that is impossible to describe. Although you can’t immediately put your finger on it, just being around them, you get a sense of the strength and understanding that can only come from the experiences that they have faced and overcome.

I have dozens of examples I’m intensely eager to share with you, but these are not my stories to tell. So I’ve scoured the web for images of the strength that I am talking about, as a picture truly is worth a thousand words.

Rescued from slavery in the sex industry. Strength and beauty embodied.

Iconic shot of an Afghan refugee – her eyes say so much, the pain, the wisdom, the things she must have seen. Beautiful and haunting.

Drew Barrymore, one of the more well known recovering addicts in the spotlight.

Survivor.

Hurricane Katrina survivors supporting each other. Touching and beautiful.

2) Vulnerability

While there is a time and a place for being tough but fair, or for “putting on your big girl knickers and getting on with things”, there is also something absolutely beautiful and human that can only be seen when we are exposed and vulnerable.

The other part of the beauty of vulnerability is that, even the most amazing and effective women have vast and gaping imperfections. Being privy to that, and seeing just how broken we all are is fascinating, comforting, connecting and refreshing.

Perhaps there is something a bit more basic and visceral about vulnerability and its association with beauty. We are, apparently, the fairer and weaker sex. There is something magic in being swept up into strong arms in a moment of weakness. Something so romantic about needing protection and rescuing.

But only sometimes. There’s a big difference between being an occasional damsel in distress, in need of a hero, and a consistent mentality of being a victim and not just getting on with things. While I truly think it is beautiful and more than a little sexy to be vulnerable on occasion after you’ve been strong for too long, there is also something quite sad and ugly about expecting other people to solve the world’s issues for you.

3) Connectedness

There is something exquisite and enticing about the effortlessness that some women include and embrace those around them. These are the women who get down to eye level when they talk to children, they look you in the eye when they are talking to you, they are frequently found quietly (and often thanklessly) doing what needs to be done in their homes, families, communities and even the world itself.

I really enjoy people watching, and looking out for examples of the beautiful things I am talking about in strangers.

Old couples holding hands or sitting together and so comfortable with their partner that you can hardly tell where one of them ends and the other begins.

New mothers looking into their baby’s face, radiating a contagious sense of peace.

Seeing a couple on a successful first (or early) date and witnessing the energy between them.

Teachers, trainers, coaches, community leaders working with a group and being able to see the cohesion and enthusiasm that their words and energy plant in the hearts and minds of their captive audience.

This is connectedness, and it is absolutely magnificent.

Again, I have an almost limitless supply of stories I could share with you about friends and family who demonstrate this amazing connectedness. But, they are not my stories to tell. I hope you get what I mean, and I added some more stock photos and pithy sayings I am sharing in an attempt to illustrate this point.

4) Kindness

Kindness is beautiful.

That’s it. Full stop.

5) Humour

There are few things as appealing and attractive as laughter. Just overhearing people laughing releases positive endorphins in most people. Smiles and merriment break down barriers, ease tension, bring people together and, not to put too fine a point on it, make life bearable.