Reflection and Protection

I’ve just been reading a few of the harrowing and heart breaking real-life mental health crises the activist and advocate Mike King has been sharing on social and traditional media. It highlights that we are a nation faced with a genuine epidemic, and I have so much respect for all those who share their stories.

At the same time however, I know for myself, that I need to protect my own wellbeing, and that may mean I need to manage how many of these stories I engage with. Heaven knows I have been very open with my own mental health happenings, hoping it might help someone somewhere. But I’m still in recovery from a disastrously inaccurate diagnosis, the wrong medication, and a domino effect including a plethora of self-destructive behaviours.

I write this today happy, healthy, calm and unmedicated. My own recovery leaves me hopeful that we can get through the tough times and experience a brighter more hopeful present. I would love to see some earnest changes in our society and mental health system to support others to feel unashamed and have access to the help they richly deserve.

The best place for some of us to offer support, advice and advocacy is simply by taking our own mental health needs seriously so we are well enough to be a part of this conversation as it evolves in our homes, workplaces and wider society.

I am not saying you should ignore the weight of the accounts that are being published. If you are of sound, mind and body, and touched by these incredibly real and important conversations, I hope they will spur you into actions that could have wonderful knock-on effects for healing yourself or someone in your circle. I’m also not saying turn a blind eye. I’m suggesting it might be a good time to implore some of my more sensitive readers to consider putting your own mask on so you are in a better position to help those around you.

Channeling the sadness and anger you may justly feel when faced with the reality of the mental health crisis here in Aotearoa will be different for everyone. If you are hurting in any way and you stumble across this little blog, I want to remind you that YOU are a worthy, beautiful, miraculous being. And that whatever state you are in as you read this, you are incredibly important, and there is the possibility of comfort and joy on the other side of the types of pain that are being discussed online. But also, you are not responsible for every person, crisis, or event that makes you feel something. AND… You must take care of you before you can help anyone else.

That’s all I wanted to say. Reach out if you read this and need a virtual hug. As you know, I am really bad at getting back to people in a timely manner but it would be an honour to talk to you as I have the bandwidth to tell you honestly that you are wonderful.

Independence Day

Today is the 4th of July. It’s internationally recognized as American Independence day, and conjures thoughts of fireworks, hot-dogs, sparklers and block parties for people around the world.

 

Old Fashioned Summer Picnic

Old Fashioned Picnic with Slice of Watermelon

People around the planet are familiar with this day, thanks to movies and television. We’ve all seen the images in American films, portraying these celebratory scenes. The cliché is generally a setting with kids running slow-motion through the street with red and white gingham tablecloths dotted out of focus in the background. Props like lemonade, ketchup, mustard, and smiling veneers of perfect housewives and happy families feature heavily in my own mind’s eye when I think of the 4th of July.

 

I’d take a stab at saying the vast majority of my Kiwi friends and family covet this kind of fairytale to some degree. It seems so idyllic, so full of energy and community. So very, what is the word I am looking for… Patriotic.

 

Kiwis are a bit more low key. I find more joy and sense of community in Matariki than I do in Waitangi day (our 4th of July equivalent). Waitangi day, sadly, often seems to turn into some racial and moral soap-box. We don’t have big block parties and BBQ’s.  We have a long weekend in the middle of our antipodean summer, and we get together to roll our eyes at the sorry state of affairs. We get together, and carry on to love the stuffing out of our special people at beaches, baches, parks and playgrounds across this beautiful island nation. We laugh, we eat, we toast, we talk.

 

So.

 

On the way to the airport to fly home to Auckland, the iconic Kiwi Poet Sam Hunt was on the radio. He was being interviewed by Paul Henry (who I can’t help but like despite, or perhaps because, he always seems to have his foot in his mouth) for his birthday and to publicise his new book.

 

Sam Hunt is a seasoned eccentric. He was born to be so. He left school at 16 with a brain full of knowledge. The intelligence he cultivated wasn’t generally gleaned from his traditional academic path. His mother was a huge fan of astronomy and poetry, and his father was a barrister with a love of words and debate. He was nurtured in fertile soils of knowledge, and went off on many adventures, and those adventures have turned into poems and stories that I hope most New Zealanders get to feel percolate through them, as his life experiences and words are so deliciously human, and quintessentially Kiwi.

 

Sam Hunt gave me a gift for his 70th Birthday this morning.

 

He gave me some poignant phrases and his candor and humor lit a spark inside of me that has been smoldering for some weeks and threatening to go out completely.

 

Sam Hunt, along with the irrepressible Paul Henry, gave me a renewed sense of self, and reminded me that words, to me, are like sunlight or rain. New Zealand is my home. I chose it, it chose me back, and this place contains the majority of my purpose and passion.

 

We are all connected here, intimately. We are a community, diverse yet similar on so many levels. We are the underdog that rises triumphant, time and again. We are temperate and volatile, and sit waiting the next shake-up, as we are perched precariously on the ring of fire. We are humble, we are brave, we are loud, we are quiet, we are busy, we are calm, we are beaches and bush and bathed in brilliant golden sunshine.

Seems to me, Sam Hunt, and thousands of eccentrics before and after him have been labeled a spectacle. He’s spoken up and spoken out about many things, in his art and on a variety of fronts. He personifies a lot of the freedom of thought and speech that we enjoy in New Zealand, and that America has tirelessly fought for and debated.  So thank you for that Sam.

I am also, openly and unashamedly grateful to be in a safe, sleepy island nation where I am free to think and be a part of this society. I can find people who agree, or who disagree, and I never, not for one split second worry about someone pulling out a gun to hurt me or anyone I Love. Not on a motorway, or shop, school or movie theatre.

A nurse can throw a dildo at a politician in protest, get international media attention which seemed to leave both the woman who threw it, and the man at whom she threw it, somewhat better off. He handled the situation with humour and gained international media attention.  This, many have said, left him looking like a pretty decent bloke.

She got her point across to millions and millions of people here and around the world. She also gained a very solid fan base for a while there, and then was given the chance to slip back into relative anonymity. No jail sentence, no talk show circuit, no Chewbacca mom getting paid for autographs carry on for her. Because this is NOT America. Nothing against Chewbacca mom of course, we just do things a bit differently around here it seems.

 

I wish the United States of America peace and enlightenment on this, the day they celebrate their independence.

 

I hope that they put down their guns, and only people who can use them responsibly can pick them back up.

 

I hope they do not vote in Trump.

 

I hope they learn to care for eachother and their own and the rest of the world’s resources a bit better.

 

Wait… I wish that for New Zealand too!!!

 

Anyway. I could go on, but I won’t.

 

Just wishing everyone a very happy 4th of July in America and around the world.

 

Maybe we can all declare independence from some of the things that no longer serve us today, and move forward with confidence and kindness for a safer, cleaner, and more enjoyable planet.

 

Thanks for reading.

 

XXOO

I Love You

I can’t. Like I actually can’t EVEN. I mean I can’t BEGIN to express just how consumed with Love I am for you.

Our first wedding...

Our first wedding…


I Love you when you roll over and give me a morning breath kiss on some random Wednesday, before we jump in the shower to prepare for battle in the trenches of social and technological justice and change…
Sleeping in… Hubby kindly took a snap to share with you :-)  Gosh I Love bed…

Sleeping in… Hubby kindly took a snap to share with you 🙂 Gosh I Love bed…


I Love you when you yell at me to stop making plans for you that you don’t want to do. Like interviews and key-note speeches, and photo shoots. I Love you when you sheepishly admit I was right to throw you head first out of your comfort zone and into the spotlight because you know, and I know, that we cannot be successful in a vacuum.
A rare moment of together time not fighting captured on camera

A rare moment of together time not fighting captured on camera


I Love you when you play with our children. When you answer the constant and unrelenting barrage of curly questions with accuracy and humour.
My hottie hubby... I got pretty lucky.  Might need to reign in the cray cray.

My hottie hubby… I got pretty lucky. Might need to reign in the cray cray.


I Love you when we are road tripping in the USA and you make light of social and moral inconsistencies and conspicuous consumerism as it bombards our senses.

I Love you when you scream at us for peace and beg for silence, knowing that peace and silence are not what you signed up for when you married me and met each of our four fabulous miracles on the day of their births.

Big smiles from James on my Birthday morning (he is six days old)

Big smiles from James on my Birthday morning (he is six days old)

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I Love you when you cry at proposal videos on YouTube.

I Love you when you tell me you have a crush on someone because I know that you will crush on most beautiful, intelligent women, and you will always, ALWAYS stay faithful to me above every other person on earth.

I Love you when you make me coffee.

I Love you when you say thank you.

I Love you when you pick up hitch-hikers and call me on speaker phone to introduce me to them.

I Love you when you stop and talk to anyone and everyone about EV and clean energy. I Love when you let me invite complete strangers to stay at our home and we become firm friends with them.

I Love you when you think of some crazy generous idea to help a stranger or a friend.

I love that you so often hold up a mirror and let people’s greatness shine back at them. You show by example every single day that we are all infinitely powerful and able to do great things if we embrace big ideas and steel our fears and doubts in order to do little things that make a big difference.

I Love you when you share articles about woo or grammar or social justice on my wall.

I Love you when you decide we are going to spend all our time and money for the next several years rolling out the largest fast charging network in the Southern Hemisphere. I Love you when you tell me you couldn’t do it without me. I Love you when you do an interview and forget to have both hands on the steering wheel during filming, despite the fact I asked you a thousand times to hold the wheel at 10 and 2 or I can’t use the footage.

I Love you when you take my head in both your hands and kiss me deeply and passionately while standing in line waiting to pay for lunch at the mall on any insignificant weekday.

I Love you when you tell the children that their mother is beautiful.

I Love you when you wait for me to start talking to you after a week of silence because you have done or said something despicable to me, thinking it was funny.

I could go on for an eternity on all the things you do every day that remind me that the point where either of us begin or end is indistinguishable.

We often talk about what life would be like if we hadn’t found each other. You complete me, as I do you, and you drive me wild and make me want to scream. And I know that you are often given cause to lament marrying the LOUDEST woman in New Zealand.

Saying Thank You for all that you do, and all that you are, and all that you have given to me and so many people seems hollow and frivolous.

But I am going to say it anyway. THANK YOU. Thank you. Thank. You.

You stand on the precipice of a great chapter. You hear from strangers and friends that you are doing amazing things, and yet you know always, that you could do nothing without the support and help of hundreds, perhaps thousands of individuals. You are gracious to those who believe in what you are doing and support you tooth and nail as you slash and hack your way through red tape, risk aversion, fear and ignorance. You can also be a bit of an arrogant prick when you’re faced with some annoying roadblock or officious person holding you back. I particularly love the cool, calculating way in which you own their ass when forced to go head to head with this kind of ignorance. Seriously, that makes me weak in the knees every time.

With all that you do, and all that you have done, you remain humble and tenaciously focused on the end goal of a better future for everyone. You believe everyone deserves better, and you give of yourself day in and day out to deliver solutions and change that will benefit people you might never even meet.

You are the Love of my life. You are my very best friend, and you embrace and encourage all of our many healthy and wonderful . You put me in my place, you pick me up off the floor, and you always ALWAYS tell me the truth.

And I Love you for all of this and so much more.

Happy Birthday.

Bittersweet Birthday in Brisbane. Baby James is One Today

After an appalling pregnancy and a crippling case of pre-natal depression that sent my heart and mind to places I never could have imagined, a miracle bursting with joy, laughter and Love arrived in our world very early on a crisp April morning over Easter weekend in 2014.

We are a year on now, and we’re all more in Love with him than ever, but he’s growing up pretty fast, and is absolutely the last Hobbit child to come up the ranks.  Makes me a little sad.  Also looking forward to some independence again!

I can’t begin to tell you how well this child fits into our family and among our friends.

He is bursting with life and Love and smiles ALL the time.

Just thinking about him and listening to him splashing around in the bathtub with his big brother Adam as I attempt to get this blog out for you brings happy little tears to my Hobbity eyes.

I guess, he must have been sucking the joy out of me and building up his reserves while he was growing in my tummy, as he is absolutely one of the most joyful people I have ever met.  And I don’t begrudge him it, as now that he is on the other side of the womb, I have felt nothing but Love for the little man.

So here is a quick journey through pictures of our first year with James David Leondard West.

Smiling three and a half months before he was even born.

Smiling three and a half months before he was even born.

Lynelle (we went to high school together) at my very last hospital visit before James arrived.

Lynelle (we went to high school together) at my very last hospital visit before James arrived.

Meeting another gorgeous gestating girl at the Skid Row/Ugly Kid Joe concert.

Meeting another gorgeous gestating girl at the Skid Row/Ugly Kid Joe concert.

Gearing up for a quick and drugfree birth.  So they weren't just braxton hicks, they were actual contractions and an actual baby came a few hours later....

Gearing up for a quick and drugfree birth. So they weren’t just braxton hicks, they were actual contractions and an actual baby came a few hours later….

Whew.  Hi there James!

Whew. Hi there James!

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Meeting one of the people I adore most in the world. My Daddy Bruce

Meeting one of the people I adore most in the world. My Daddy Bruce

Adam feeding his very own baby :-)

Adam feeding his very own baby 🙂

Big Brother Daniel

Big Brother Daniel

Auntie Leigh and Steph and James

Auntie Leigh and Steph and James

Adam and Steph having a snuggle early one morning

Adam and Steph having a snuggle early one morning

Auntie Sarah

Auntie Sarah

Big smiles from James on my Birthday morning (he is six days old)

Big smiles from James on my Birthday morning (he is six days old)

In California with Aunty Cat and Mommom.

In California with Aunty Cat and Mommom.

Granny's shoulders at the big kids' parent teacher interviews

Granny’s shoulders at the big kids’ parent teacher interviews

Hanging in Pauanui with the only girl cousin Amara and Bapo (Pappa Strat)

Hanging in Pauanui with the only girl cousin Amara and Bapo (Pappa Strat)

The whole family

The whole family

Aunty Cathy

Aunty Cathy

Aunty Cathy and Uncle Bob at Granny and Poppa's house.

Aunty Cathy and Uncle Bob at Granny and Poppa’s house.

Wellington and running in to Delightful Danni!

Wellington and running in to Delightful Danni!

Up to no good with Hayley!

Up to no good with Hayley!

Visits with Kyrin

Visits with Kyrin

Looking pretty cute in an outfit Katie got for him

Looking pretty cute in an outfit Katie got for him

Happy as a bug in a rug in Matakana

Happy as a bug in a rug in Matakana

15JamesBBlog35

Barcelona tiredeness

Barcelona tiredeness

Helping dad read the menu in Roma

Helping dad read the menu in Roma

Sneaking in some sleep in Italy

Sneaking in some sleep in Italy

Barcelona Tapas

Barcelona Tapas

Norway.  Airport.

Norway. Airport.

First steps at four months?  No... just a camera trick :-)

First steps at four months? No… just a camera trick 🙂

Taking a wee nap under our favourite willow tree in Central Park

Taking a wee nap under our favourite willow tree in Central Park

Auntie Lara

Auntie Lara

Uncle Derek

Uncle Derek

Meeting the cousins from Calgary

Meeting the cousins from Calgary

You!  You are AWESOME!

You! You are AWESOME!

Auntie Emma and Kiwi cuz Quinn

Auntie Emma and Kiwi cuz Quinn

more smiling

more smiling

All of us

All of us

Black and white, quiet moment

Black and white, quiet moment

Phteven's idea of parenting.

Phteven’s idea of parenting.

Yoda

Yoda

Meeting one of his two god mums... The other Godmum has heaps of beautiful pictures with James but doesn't like me sharing them online.  Sigh.

Meeting one of his two god mums… The other Godmum has heaps of beautiful pictures with James but doesn’t like me sharing them online. Sigh.

So I have hundreds and hundreds of pictures of James, but this is just a small collection I wanted to share with you.  We’ve had a great first year getting to know this guy, and we thank all our friends and family who have tuned in and watched him grow up in the chaos that is our family!

XXOO

Dee

The Friendship Formula. Is There a Formula?

Today, I was chatting with one of my best friends for nearly 20 years.

P and I go back so far we can’t pinpoint when or how we actually met. We’ve been allies and friends through ups and downs. Which is strange to some people as, on the surface, we could not be more different.

She is elegant, thin, organised, has impeccable taste, looks like Audrey Hepburn and is as discerning with her relationships as I am open and willing to connect with EVERYONE. Yet, evidence clearly states, that we work.  We both actively choose to maintain an honest, and significant friendship.  She knows my faults and foibles, and I hers, and we can roll our eyes at each others shortcomings.  If, however, anyone were to say anything untrue or unkind to me about her, I’d take it like a personal attack and go heartily into battle for her.

So this morning’s topics covered included, but were not limited to:

  • Christening my youngest son (her and our friend R’s Godson)
  • Birthday plans (belated and future)
  • Current state of play for both our careers
  • Social calendars
  • Friendship
  • Family
  • Food
  • Travel
  • Marriage
  • Equity Theory: we had to cover that in our undergrad comms degree, here is a picture:

EquityTheory

  • Renovations
  • Pathological overachieving
  • Emancipation from drama and silly people
  • The fact I have FAR too many children (but we Love and like them anyway)

I feel much better, stronger, and more able to deal with my own, and other people’s challenges after this chat. The vast rejuvenation of spirit came about even after just a short opportunity to connect with her over the digital superhighway.

Friendship confounds me. Luckily, it doesn’t elude me.  I’m an active (all-be-it only sporadically available) participant in more functioning and healthy relationships than I could ever have imagined.

Strange and wonderful really. Especially when you consider how lonely, broken, bossy, awkward and ostracized I was (or at least felt) when I was little.

So, as is the case with all the things, I want to know MORE! I want to know WHY!

Science concedes that friendship is an absolutely integral part of our lives. We are social creatures, and our alliances get us through the unimaginable things that get thrown at us from time to time. Friendships also offer us context, clarity, and comfort. The people we spend the most time with can shape our opinions, world-views, political, social and even religious ideals, and even our own self image more than any other factors we are exposed to.

An absolute army of academics has dedicated careers to unraveling the phenomenon of friendship.

So, am I able to Dee-ify this vast body of work in a crude but coherent manner for anyone inclined to read this blog?

I’ll try.

Here goes:

“Good” people make great friends, and therefore attract healthy relationships that help them, and others, to thrive. Good people are not perfect, and they do not expect you to be perfect. Truly good humans are beautifully broken, resilient, kind, open to change, and actively look for the best in themselves and others. People who choose to Love, respect and forgive themselves make and attract the best relationships. They don’t always have the most friends, sometimes they do, but they get to take part in good, healthy, honest and nurturing experiences with other humans. These people fix themselves first, because that is the first step to a fuller, and more rewarding existence.

*Disclaimer: Even people who have their S*** together fall down and mess up. They still suffer, they still hurt, they still make mistakes, and they still have to make it through very difficult life experiences that are completely out of their control. The difference is, they own their faults and learn from them instead of playing the victim or laying blame.

The kind of friend (and the kind of person) you are will naturally affect the kind of friends you choose and the kind of people who choose you.  Givers get, and the way you treat people will directly affect the kind of company you keep.

Sure there’s lots of other factors and influences that dictate who we choose to let into our hearts and homes. But generally, it is as simple as this:

Put out good stuff, and it comes back. Put out crap, you’ll eventually get a smack.

There is an inexhaustible collection of poignant pithy saying to corroborate my considerable claims on cohorts.


walkwiththedreamers CharlieChaplinLoveYourself WeAreMagnets

I’ve attached a list of really good scientific and psych articles on this subject if anyone wants to go a little further.

So, in conclusion; be the kind of friend you’d like to have. Be okay with walking away from toxic relationships.  Fix you first.  Love yourself (all of you, even the bad bits) and seek out honest, kind, inspiring people.  And for goodness sake, surround yourself with people who make you laugh.

And here is a handful of Sciency articles on Friendship:

http://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/adult-health/in-depth/friendships/art-20044860

http://psychcentral.com/lib/the-importance-of-friendship/0001381

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/living-single/201212/the-new-science-friendship

http://elitedaily.com/life/culture/science-friendship-signs-youre-meant-ffs/851194/

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Equity_theory

Eight Traits that Make People Great (Rhyming isn’t Necessarily One of Them)

 

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Does anyone remember learning about the seven deadly sins and the seven heavenly virtues? Here they are in case you forgot or are not familiar with them (I just cut and pasted this from Wikipedia because not many people click on the links according to my stats, so I thought I’d make it easy for you, skip over or click through if you’d like to read more):

 

 

Virtue Latin Gloss (Vice)
Chastity Castitas Purity, knowledge, honesty, wisdom Lust
Temperance Temperantia Self control, justice, honour, abstention Gluttony
Charity Caritas Will, benevolence, generosity, sacrifice Greed
Diligence Industria Persistence, effort, ethics, rectitude Sloth
Patience Patientia Peace, mercy, ahimsa, sufferance Wrath
Kindness Humanitas Satisfaction, loyalty, compassion, integrity Envy
Humility Humilitas Bravery, modesty, reverence, altruism Pride

 

 

So today I’d like to take a moment to discuss some human traits, in the spirit of the virtues and vices we are all encouraged to aspire to or avoid. They are in the same vein as the traditional sins and virtues, with a contemporary twist that makes more sense to me personally based on my own experiences. You don’t have to agree though.

 

Virtue Synonyms Defect Synonyms
Resilience Strength, flexibility, adaptability, hope, spirit, optimism, persistence Defeatism Victimization, blame, inflexibility, resignation, pessimism, despondency, fatalism, sloth
Creativity Inspiration, ingenuity, resourcefulness, imagination, vision, originality, eccentricity Ignorance Impotence, incapacity, weakness, stagnation, destruction
Kindness Charity, empathy, compassion, generosity, thoughtfulness, benevolence, altruism, concern Malevolence Greed, self-interest, cruelty, disinterest, malice, cruelty, viciousness, spitefulness, meanness
Honesty Sincerity, candor, earnest, truthfulness, authenticity, straightforwardness, Openness, Deceitfulness Fraudulence, untruthfulness, lying, insincerity, manipulation, two-faced, mendacity, spuriousness
Integrity Reliability, steadfastness, commitment, resoluteness, loyalty, dependability, faithfulness, consistency, trustworthiness Corruption Depravity, exploitation, fraudulence, fickleness, unreliability, shiftiness, frivolousness, flippancy
Morality Decency, honor, virtuousness, scrupulousness, distinction, respectfulness Amorality Unscrupulousness, maliciousness, self-interest, vindictiveness, depravity
Humility Modesty, unpretentiousness, self-efficacy, decorum, well-mannered, gentility, restraint, grace, graciousness Arrogance Conceit, pride, self-importance, smugness, immodesty, vanity, pomposity, disdain, condescension, aloofness, snobbery, haughtiness, douchebaggery,
Humour Wit, comicality, cheerfulness, mirth, glee, joviality, merriment, bonhomie, joy, laughter, lightheartedness, wonder, delightfulness, blissfulness Criticism/ Misery Woe, dejection, desolation, wretchedness, judgment, melancholy, despair, gloom, pessimism, mean-spiritedness, cruelty

If you are still with me, let us unpack this for a bit.

 

We all have a bit of any or all of these traits in us. At any given time we can demonstrate a combination of many of the good and bad descriptors on this list.

 

The reason thinking about it and writing it down helped me, was I got a chance to see the words on my screen and ask myself honestly what I was demonstrating when making decisions or deciding how to feel about something.

 

So when something happens contrary to what I’d hoped, I can happily refer to my list of virtues and defects and decide if I want to be resilient or defeatist, or choose good humour rather than criticism.  I can take it as a learning curve or I can be bitter, and at 36 years of age, I am just barely smart enough after my many experiences to more often than not know which is which.

 

I’ll leave it there for today, as for me, even just reading the lists sporadically has given me pause and the impetus to curb my behaviour and act a little less rashly when things don’t go my way.  I’m printing both the old school and my amended versions of the list and posting them on the fridge as a quiet reminder to strive for a more virtuous existence.  Heaven knows I fall short, but I have less excuse for it when it is printed and staring me in the face as I reach for a midnight snack.

 

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Thanks for reading.

 

Dee

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Holidays, Hospitals, Happiness and Hobbitses – Part Two

It has now been 6 days since the very sweet baby James arrived.

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We’re all adjusting. Adam is having the toughest time and has terrible mood swings and shifts from Love to hate for baby James quite regularly. Adam is a very special, very clever, and very emotional young man. I must say, he’s an undeniably sweet and caring young thing, and getting him his own baby who he has christened baby Jim was a stroke of genius. He’s able to parent his baby and demonstrate and process how he feels about the whole thing a bit better with his own baby to nurture. Parenting win? We think so.

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Today is James’ actual due date, and also my 36th Birthday. It has been a lovely day so far and I am struggling to feed the insatiable child, answer messages, post this blog, and get about a million other things done before heading out to the day spa for some alone time. How’s that for a champagne complain! I am more pampered and blessed than my wildest dreams could have ever foretold. Immensely grateful, but yes, I know that I am very spoiled indeed.

So… back to some stories of Hobbit life.

I’m beginning to think that this baby has a touch of magic in him. We’re very free and easy with letting people hold our kids from the moment they arrive. I’ve already lost count of the number of strangers that have had a snuggle with James. He got passed around the hospital, several people at the mall were thrilled to have a hold when offered. The staff at Soto were keen to have a snuggle. There’s a little bit of magic that happens when we let someone hold him. Particularly if they have rarely or never held a brand new baby.

One of the most worthy examples of the magic I am talking about, happened on ANZAC day.

We braved the chaos of the 1:00pm sale crowds as Grumpy had his eye on a pram that was 25% off at Baby City. The mall was a zoo. I took Stephanie-Jane and James up to grab a coffee while Steve stayed down to wait for the doors to open and buy the baby booty he’d been eyeing up.

On the escalator, I met some very sweet and enthusiastic women. They asked about James, and how old he was, and I told them he was only a couple of days old.

I handed him over to the woman who’s name was Trish. She relished her snuggle. And she told me about her daughter.

This is Christine Main.

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Christine lost a valiant battle with a very aggressive form of cancer one year and one day earlier.

Trish shared her daughter’s story with me, while she held sweet baby James. The joy in her eyes and that radiated off her as she told me the story of her beautiful, adventurous, caring and generous daughter gave me goose pimples and as I share the story with you now is making my eyes leak.

She needed to share the story of her vivacious daughter, who I am quite certain I would have adored had I been lucky enough to meet her. I needed to hear that story. And we both needed to meet that day on an escalator at the Westfield Albany Mall.

Please take the time to read about Christine. She was an amazing woman. Trish told me about her sky dive and that the adrenaline rush she got from it never actually wore off, and that she spent every day of the rest of her life full of joy and vigor, even through her illness.

I’ve always found it quite amazing that the little people we have made have so much demonstrable personality, right from the moment they arrive. They have all been so different, undeniably unique. One could argue a bit of chicken/egg in this. Perhaps, as parents, we ascribe attributes to them from the moment they are born, and then there is a trajectory that occurs based on this. I can’t say for sure how it works. We’re just muddling through like everyone else does. For the most part though, we’re fairly proud of the empathetic, engaged and charming little people that share our home and our lives with us.

Here’s just a few more pictures to share with you before I head out for the spa in a minute or two:

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He’s settled into Hobbit Life beautifully. The children have embraced their baby brother and are keen to help out and offer snuggles whenever the opportunity presents itself.

We’ve had a constant but absolutely lovely stream of visitors and we’re very keen to introduce him to everyone! We’ll open the doors to the Hobbit homestead one day soon and everyone is very welcome to pop in for a snuggle if they are close by.

Well, I’d better pack up and head out so I don’t miss my facial and massage!

Hope you enjoyed today’s peak into Hobbit life. And thank you for taking the time to read!

Have a wonderful week wherever you are and whatever you are up to. And thank you for your kind words and friendship from so many corners of the world.

XXOO

Dee

Holidays, Hospitals, Happiness and Hobbitses – Part One

Easter weekend saw the met service (that is the Meteorological service – in NZ we call it the met service, and it is our go-to source for all things weather related) spreading gloom throughout our island paradise by telling us all that it was going to be a grey and rainy long weekend.

This prospect didn’t bother me a bit, as we had planned to head up to our cozy off-grid holiday home high up in the Matakana hills just north of Auckland.  There’s a warm fire, big fluffy blankets, amazing local produce right on the doorstep, magnificent Matakana markets, and the children even survive without the Internet for a few days.  They play in the clay, clamber up hills, skin their knees, climb trees, make forts, sharpen sticks, fight, laugh, cry, scream, yell and carry on like feral little creatures.  It is absolutely wonderful!

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Three-Year-Old BatBoy son Adam after making a fantastic mess

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The little dots in the middle of the picture are the children scrambling up hills

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Chasing each other with sticks. Cause, well, boys do that sort of thing.

Happily, it turned out that there were only scattered showers, and the whole weekend was absolutely gorgeous, and warm but crisp, and the night skies were clear and beautiful and the stars twinkled over us just out of reach of our fingertips it seemed.

Sadly, we arrived to a less than perfectly presented property.  The last time we had been up was the re-wedding.  We left without tidying up, and our guests also vacated in a very big hurry, so it was left in a less than pristine state.

We’d planned several times to get up and tidy up after the event, but kept getting side-tracked.  So after 8 weeks had passed and we had finally made it to the property, it was in a less than welcoming state and required a phenomenal amount of scrubbing and disinfecting and general faffing to get it to the standard we are now comfortable with.

As it was Easter weekend, we had the whole family join us for a big Easter dinner, some cribbage, some chaos, and everyone got stuck in and helped with some cleaning as well.

Grumpy and I had discussed the plan for the week, which included the rather large inconvenience of having to give birth to our fourth child on the 25th of April (ANZAC day).

He’s been very busy inventing a new product for the EV (Electric Vehicle) market that we will be shipping in the next month or so if all goes according to plan. He had set himself up a make-shift station to get on with his soldering and fashioning for the prototypes and circuit boards he’s been working on.  So he was quite happy to work quietly away while I waddled around the house cleaning, scrubbing and nesting like a small, round, madwoman.

I simply MUST share some of the after pics of upstairs with you…

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Biggest comfy holiday bed 🙂

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Our silk rug from China. The dragon and the phoenix… a really beautiful and poignant love story. And RED. We really like Red.

 

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I suggested that he should just head back down in the Leaf and work till the wee small hours of morning as he has been prone to do most nights over the last month or more of R&D (Research and Development).

“I’ll just come down tomorrow after I’ve taken some pictures of the house as neat as a pin.  It will take me all morning to get it up to scratch anyway.”  I had told him.

And that was almost what happened.

I managed to get the master suite looking ship-shape and had just been taking pictures of the results when I started to get stronger and more noticeably painful “tightenings” as they are sometimes referred to.  I passed it off as nothing, just some Braxton Hicks, and carried on with my cleaning and ran a bath.

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Before jumping briefly into the bathtub, I mentioned the pains to Grumpy.  Now, he is not renowned for his intuition, but he looked me up and down, put down his soldering iron, and started to pack up the car.

“I think you’re having a baby, baby.”  He said quite calmly and matter of factly to me as I waddled my way up the stairs and into the bath.

“Meh, we’ll see.  Google said these BH things happen mostly at night and can get quite strong for days or weeks before labour, but yeah, lets head back to be on the safe side.  Shall I drive the Leaf and you take the van?”  I suggested nonchalantly to him.

“Okay.” Was his equally nonplussed response.

However.  After emerging from my nice warm bath, I realized that driving may be a less than brilliant idea.

He messaged Anna, we texted our LMC (Lead Maternity Carer) and headed down to Auckland just before midnight.

Arrived at the maternity ward to a mean and matronly old battle ax that was standing guard at the desk and ripped shreds off of us for not calling ahead.

So, me, being me, handled the whole ordeal in an undeniably and embarrassingly Canadian way.

I apologized for not calling ahead.  I apologized for showing up in the middle of the night.  I apologized for having gestational diabetes.  I apologized for my midwife being off-call.  I apologized for over-reacting and suggested perhaps I should just head straight home, as surely it was nothing, just some false labour nonsense, and I really felt quite genuinely terrible for being such a bother at this time of night.  And then, I apologized for erring on the side of caution, but explained that I labour and give birth very quickly indeed, and due to my poor health and history, thought it best I just pop in, if nothing else, for some monitoring.

Looking back now, I proper want to take a time machine and rip some shreds off that matronly old meat ax.  What on earth is she doing working in a maternity ward and making women feel like they are a terrible inconvenience for showing up at hospital, very possibly to give birth?  Grrrr.

So Grumpy called Anna.  They chatted.  He handed me the phone.  I continued to spit out apologies and said I was terribly sorry for bothering her so late, and would be fine to just go home.  But apparently, nobody there could do an internal and she’d had to drag her tired self out of bed to check me out anyway.

I felt terrible.  I knew she had to work in the morning.  I now feel terrible for feeling terrible.  Terrible isn’t it.

It was at around this point I got a flash-bulb image that coincided with a very strong contraction that said: 3:33.  I’ll be here by 3:33.  It looked like a red digital alarm clock face on the inside of my eyelids. Not sure how or where that stemmed from, but it was very vivid, and it turned out to be absolutely accurate.  Weird or what right?

Shortly after Anna arrived, she plugged in the Nitrous Oxide, I gratefully sucked away and spent the next two hours in an almost out-of-body state that I am sure I can’t accurately describe, so I won’t even try.

James arrived at 3:24am.

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I bid farewell to our dear friend Anna and my bedraggled husband just before 6:00am.

I got a very welcome visit from a dear online friend of mine, Mel.  We chatted and laughed.  I swore like a sailor, she snuggled with James.  We laughed and bonded and I felt very pleased indeed to know that good people like her were all over the place, and my prolific social media meanderings have been a vehicle through which to find wonderful, quirky and kind souls to connect with.  Thanks Melanie.

To be continued…

 

Attempting to Unravel the Truth About Beauty – Part Two

Beauty – Part Two

The human race’s obsession with attractiveness is probably, in essence, quite innocent.  Displaying and acknowledging attractiveness can be argued to be a perfectly reasonable evolutionary mechanism employed by most (if not all) people to help determine health and vitality.  We’re naturally drawn to attractive people as it is generally synonymous with health, vitality, fertility, and good genes.

I can’t be bothered talking about any of that.

I do, however, want to wrap up this conversation about beauty.  Seeing as it is my blog, I’ll give this final installment the Dee treatment, and just share with you my own personal opinions on what is beautiful, basically ignoring the screeds of research I’ve been wading through on the subject.

I’ve opted to share five things that I think are beautiful to illustrate my point on this subject.  I am leaving out countless others including:

1)  Integrity

2)  Grace

3)  Smile lines and well-earned physical signs of living a full and interesting life

4)  Honesty

5)  Humility

6)  Generosity

7)  A warm smile

8) Health and vitality (regardless of what the scales may say!)

9)  Confidence…

The list could go on and on.

However, for today’s blog I am sticking to five things that I think make women truly beautiful:

1)  Strength and resilience

I realised again last week that there are a number of absolutely amazing women I am lucky enough to know, that have overcome some gargantuan obstacles in their lives.

I am lucky enough to have met women who have faced (and overcome) addictions, mental illness, hard times that I can’t even imagine being faced with.  Women who have survived life-threatening illness, cared for others tirelessly (be it a sick or severely disabled child, family member, or in some cases they have made the care of others a career), mind numbing loss, war, natural disasters, poverty, abuse.  These ladies have experienced rock-bottom and climbed out with an understanding and resilience that is impossible to describe.  Although you can’t immediately put your finger on it, just being around them, you get a sense of the strength and understanding that can only come from the experiences that they have faced and overcome.

I have dozens of examples I’m intensely eager to share with you, but these are not my stories to tell.  So I’ve scoured the web for images of the strength that I am talking about, as a picture truly is worth a thousand words.

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Rescued from slavery in the sex industry. Strength and beauty embodied.

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Iconic shot of an Afghan refugee – her eyes say so much, the pain, the wisdom, the things she must have seen. Beautiful and haunting.

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Drew Barrymore, one of the more well known recovering addicts in the spotlight.

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Survivor.

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Hurricane Katrina survivors supporting each other. Touching and beautiful.

2)  Vulnerability

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While there is a time and a place for being tough but fair, or for “putting on your big girl knickers and getting on with things”, there is also something absolutely beautiful and human that can only be seen when we are exposed and vulnerable.

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The other part of the beauty of vulnerability is that, even the most amazing and effective women have vast and gaping imperfections.  Being privy to that, and seeing just how broken we all are is fascinating, comforting, connecting and refreshing.

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Perhaps there is something a bit more basic and visceral about vulnerability and its association with beauty.  We are, apparently, the fairer and weaker sex.  There is something magic in being  swept up into strong arms in a moment of weakness.  Something so romantic about needing protection and rescuing.

But only sometimes.  There’s a big difference between being an occasional damsel in distress, in need of a hero, and a consistent mentality of being a victim and not just getting on with things.  While I truly think it is beautiful and more than a little sexy to be vulnerable on occasion after you’ve been strong for too long, there is also something quite sad and ugly about expecting other people to solve the world’s issues for you.

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3)  Connectedness

There is something exquisite and enticing about the effortlessness that some women include and embrace those around them.  These are the women who get down to eye level when they talk to children, they look you in the eye when they are talking to you, they are frequently found quietly (and often thanklessly) doing what needs to be done in their homes, families, communities and even the world itself.

I really enjoy people watching, and looking out for examples of the beautiful things I am talking about in strangers.

Old couples holding hands or sitting together and so comfortable with their partner that you can hardly tell where one of them ends and the other begins.

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New mothers looking into their baby’s face, radiating a contagious sense of peace.

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Seeing a couple on a successful first (or early) date and witnessing the energy between them.

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Teachers, trainers, coaches, community leaders working with a group and being able to see the cohesion and enthusiasm that their words and energy plant in the hearts and minds of their captive audience.

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This is connectedness, and it is absolutely magnificent.

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Again, I have an almost limitless supply of stories I could share with you about friends and family who demonstrate this amazing connectedness.  But, they are not my stories to tell.  I hope you get what I mean, and I added some more stock photos and pithy sayings I am sharing in an attempt to illustrate this point.

4)  Kindness

Kindness is beautiful.

That’s it.  Full stop.

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5)  Humour

There are few things as appealing and attractive as laughter.  Just overhearing people laughing releases positive endorphins in most people.  Smiles and merriment break down barriers, ease tension, bring people together and, not to put too fine a point on it, make life bearable.

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Being able to laugh at our self, and each other, without malice or envy, is about the shortest distance between two people I can imagine.

So I’ll wrap this post and subject up with some pictures of gorgeous funny women who have influenced me directly and from a distance.

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How Steve Won at Parenting this Weekend

Darling Daughter is a Diva.  She is deep, emotional and prone to outbursts that frequently see her stomping up the stairs and slamming doors and sobbing.  Complete mystery where she got these traits (said nobody ever).

She is most certainly her mother’s child.

My husband is renowned for having zero tolerance for her dramatics, whining, baby talk, and many more of Stephanie-Jane’s less than winning ways.  He’s much better at managing, understanding and dealing with the boys antics, while generally, I have a much longer fuse when coping with our daughter.

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So on Friday night, something set her off and the obligatory stomp up the stairs, followed by the slam, and then the scream occurred.  Normally, I give her ten or fifteen minutes and head up and we have a good talk and a cuddle.  She craves comfort when her emotions get away on her like this, and generally calms down and gets on with life pretty quickly after one of these little blow-ups.

But this time, it was Grumpy who went up.

Sometime later, he came back downstairs to tell me how it went.

“So our daughter has had her first existential crisis.” He reported to me plainly.

“Oh?” I said raising an eyebrow. “You mean the one where she raises her little hands to the sky, throws her head back, and between sobs exclaims ‘Who AM I!  I just don’t know who I am anymore!’ because that’s the crisis of existentialism she’s generally prone to after on of her stompy sessions.” I responded.

“Yeah, that one.”  He smiled.

“Pretty deep territory eh.  I just tell her that I have no idea who I am or what I’m doing most of the time and cuddle her till she calms down.  What did you say?” I asked.

“Well.  I explained that we are what we do.  So, if we do kind things, we are kind.  If we do mean and terrible things, we are probably quite mean and terrible.” He repeated to me in his very best soft and thoughtful dad tone;  “So, if you play a concert piano in front of a large crowd, then you are most likely a concert pianist because you practiced and promoted yourself as such.  If you do all the things that need to be done to become the Prime Minister, and then you become the Prime Minister, then you are probably the Prime Minister.  Or if you make lots of bad decisions and do lots of dumb things and end up being really unhappy most of the time, it is actually because we are what we do.  And I told her she does lots of great things and is a kind and wonderful girl that we are proud of.  So she’ll probably be alright.”

“Wow.”  I responded.  “You win parenting this weekend for that little gem baby.”  I said all moon eyed and swooning a bit after hearing this.  “Do you think she got it? Do you think it helped?”

“Yeah, I think it did.”

And that is how Grumpy won parenting this weekend.

Have a great week everyone.

XXOO

Dee