Here’s what’s going to be covered today:
1) The inner workings of a rare but resolute Hobbit fight (not argument, we have those ALL THE TIME, this one is a proper fight)
2) Cold feet leading up to an event that has been in planning for ten years and why
3) Completely cutting out sugar and social media from my life until I am feeling human again (blogging does not count mmmkay)
4) Cravings for things I can’t currently have – cold cuts
In the space of a little less than 72 hours – as a couple, Grumpy and I have gone from this:
To sleeping in separate houses.
No need to be alarmed (if you were which I doubt). This happens at least once a year. While timing isn’t particularly ideal, it’s quite understandable considering the levels of stress currently parked on our doorstep. I’m managing a nice menu of pregnancy complications. Grumpy is dealing with plenty at work and preparing for the big annual tradeshow. The list of crap we’re dealing with is long and extensive, but I’ll spare you further details. Everyone everywhere has their row to hoe, and oh so many of the things on our plate can fall squarely into the “first world problems” basket.
There is less than a month until a large gathering that has been planned for about a decade. Grumpy’s cavalier attitude to the entire thing has left me absolutely confounded, frustrated and fed up, so I’ve thrown my hands in the air and said a loud and heartfelt: “Fuck this, I’m out” which has been heard by the small but mighty army who have taken time out of their busy lives to finish things up – or not, I actually have no idea. I just know that as a measure of self-preservation I’ve lost absolutely all interest. If I have no idea and no expectations, I can’t possibly be frustrated or disappointed right? Currently find the whole idea garish and feel like I am just making a spectacle of my life, which was not the original intent at all.
On our first wedding night, plans started to be hatched for a do-over in a decade because getting married part seemed considerably easier than staying married as going to be. With each year that passed, and the storms that we weathered, the memories that we made, it seemed more and more natural to go ahead with these plans, perhaps even start a trend where celebrating staying together rather than just embarking on the journey became the goal.
We’ll see. This could just be a Hobbity version of cold feet. But right now, I just want to run away and forget about it all completely. The only reason I’m not doing that at present is the fantastic amount of effort that has been put in by the bridesmaids and a few other dedicated friends and even a work colleague of Grumpy has gotten in on the act and rolled up his sleeves to help out.
I am very hopeful that in a few weeks I will be irrefutably reminded of the vast ocean of Love I feel for the man I married, and by the time the day rolls around everything will fall nicely into place and each of our beloved guests will be given some properly motivating fuel to Love and be Loved. We kind of saw it as a celebration of the importance of human relationships. Love is absolutely the strongest and most important force on this planet as far as I am concerned, and dedicating a day to the observation of this fact seemed like a great idea.
I’ll take you back a few steps and explain why we are fighting in enough detail to cover the basics, and enough vagueness that unless you are already intimately involved with us and our dealings you’ll have no idea what I am actually talking about.
Cue Wayne’s World flashback gif here:
We had a brilliant but busy Sunday. It consisted of varied portions of stimulating, satisfying, upsetting, confounding and invigorating. The day began early, as it involved a notable level of running around to gather supplies and get things done. Then it wrapped up with a lovely last minute dinner gathering involving a handful of wonderful friends, hairspray, an acoustic guitar, some super sweet singing, excited chatter, baby cuddles, cake and to top it all off, a low grade but undeniably upsetting row with Grumpy which has since spiraled rather out of control.
While all the beautiful noise and chaos abounded and laughter bounced off the ceiling and walls of our home, an angry little beast inside me has been growling and being fed on frustration, stress, tension and an overwhelming feeling of futility.
Of the dozens of balls in the air, there is one particularly large and frustrating mess that I have now completely absolving myself of, and has lodged a fairly solid wedge between my husband and I.
Many of the things I Love, admire and respect about him can be a terrible double-edged sword. Throughout our life together he’s had a habit of making very big decisions that affect me directly (and sometimes adversely) without consultation, or, in this case, in direct opposition to my wishes, concerns or advice.
The kicker is; he was trying to do the right thing. He’s always trying to do the right thing. We both are. It is a big part of the reason why it appears we make such a good team. He is not rash or stupid. And I have no doubt that there’s logic to the life altering decisions he makes.
This particular bump in the road would absolutely be enough to end a weaker marriage. It pours more filth and debris onto wounds that have been open and festering for years.
Every marriage has this stuff to deal with though. And I am pretty sure if ours hasn’t snapped yet, after being pushed to the absolute brink several years ago, we should be fine. But nobody knows what tomorrow will bring right. This, and the several other omnipresent issues that come and go from the foreground, probably won’t end our union.
Once I’ve stopped mourning the loss of the time, resources and energy all of this (and the many other failed noble efforts) has cost, perspective will return and things will be okay again. Maybe better than okay because wading through the muck of life and relationships to get to dry ground actually seems to be how you not only survive but thrive as an individual and as a couple. Only problem of course, is that there will always be more muck on the road to conquer if you keep putting one proverbial foot in front of the other.
And there is a lesson in absolutely everything. We do seem to continually be handed the lesson that people can’t often be trusted, and responding to requests for help leaves you quite vulnerable. It can all be exceedingly jarring. This also serves as a reminder that when we give, it ought to be with both hands, and never to extend more than you have. Sigh. It’s all relative I suppose. I am, however, more than relatively tired of being shit on.
So that brings me to the next bit on today’s agenda:
I’ve gone cold turkey on sugar and social media. The sugar is pretty cut and dry, as I am waiting on the results to confirm the suspicion that I have contracted Gestational Diabetes. The social media is a bit more complex.
I made the mistake of freezing my FB account because that’s the most time consuming, but then I found it is just as effective to use:
http://www.getcoldturkey.com for PC
http://www.selfcontrolapp.com for Mac
I’m documenting my experience and will report back on the business Blog later.
I want/need to take some time off because:
1) I’ve got a mountain of tasks and require as little distraction as possible to get stuck in and through them
2) I’m documenting the sabbatical to report back on my hypothesis that the world does indeed keep turning even if I don’t check in on social media to see if it is. Sadly, have already had my first major bump in the road here, as I had to switch FB back on because of the groups I administrate requiring action… darn it!
3) Wanted some downtime
4) Just need to see if I can.
So here I am. Day three. I had a small chocolate bar from the kids candy stash last night and had a sneaky peak into what’s being posted on Instagram, but other than that, things are going swimmingly!
Just about to post this puppy and then get stuck into some strategy and template action for the 2014 business plan.
I am left with one little conundrum/concern however.
How on earth am I going to share this blog without tweeting or sharing it on FB? I guess that’ll fall down to the fates and hopefully my stunningly ambitious business partner. She’s been hitting the pavement hard for the past three days and holding down the social media fort beautifully while I run this rather indulgent social experiment of mine. I’m blessed to have her.
So today I am going to leave you with the last thing on my list of topics. The slightly cryptic, yet undeniably profound analogy of cold-cuts. I have been desperate for cold cuts for months now. I nearly wept watching the children devour some delicious looking pistachio mortadella on our annual cruise a couple of weeks ago. Part of it is physiological, as in my current state I need protein, as does the person I am growing. The other part of it is that I cannot have them, so I obsess.
The beauty of this is, when I am able to again enjoy cold-cuts at my whim, the reality of salty, fatty, unhealthy, jellied meat and meat bi-product will not hold even the slightest candle to the idea of how awesome they were when I was denied them.
Sashimi on the other hand, that is some AMAZING stuff right there. It is low in fat, high in wonderful magical food oils that make you smart and strong, I can share a plate of sashimi with my husband (he doesn’t eat cold-cuts as he’s a lacto-ovo-pescatarian) and the kids like it too. I am going on a proper rampage of raw and undercooked meats, poultry and seafood as soon as James arrives.
I guess a part of life is being able to decipher what cravings we have are cold-cuts, and what are sashimi.
Did that make sense?
It does to me.
Over and out.
Thanks for reading!