We are all intertwined with other people, whether we want to be or not.  Some of the people are good and “on the side or the angels” as my beloved character Captain Picard was described in that series.  Meanwhile, some are selfish, insecure, incompetent, and manipulative and bask in the comfort of a status quo that is devoid of equity, meritocracy and justice – but rather rewards Machiavellian shenanigans.  Trying to be couched in kindness and clarity does not guarantee you safety from the latter nor a place at the table with the former.  

And I am so incredibly exhausted by all of it.

The last five years have allowed me to be an eccentric and enigmatic hermit in many ways and it’s been wonderful.  I don’t need anything from anyone, and everyone I know has a profound respect for the tenacity with which I guard my privacy and mental health.  Even my bad days are infinitely better than good days were when I was swimming in the shark tank and walking through the venomous snake pits of days gone by.  

Currently, however, at this stage of my healing, I am angry a lot of the time.  That’s not a great stage and I am working on getting past it and into a smoother less angry part of my own evolution.

So what am I mad about?  Well, I’m angry that kindness is far too often mistaken for weakness.  Angry that I let myself be exploited and manipulated by craven and conniving … – erm – there is a word I always use that lends itself to the alliteration vibe I was just on – feel free to fill in the blank… I’ll just say cowards.  Anyway.  I am angry that I can’t even walk away from some dumpster fires of posturing and pusillanimous game playing that are alight in my peripheral vision.  I yearn for the day I am completely emancipated from misogyny, greed, and mediocrity.  I no longer wish to be adrift on a sea of Dunning Kruger-esque secretive and conniving confidants that pat themselves on the back about a job well done as they re-arrange the deck chairs on the Titanic.  I handed in my resignation from these games a long, long time ago, but continued arrogance and incompetence and a legacy of poor decision-making leaves me vulnerable and all I want to do is get on with a meaningful last half of my existence on this earth.

Unfortunately, those strings tying me to a world I have no desire to be a part of remain.  It would be fantastic to turn a blind eye, but I can’t just ignore it and hope it all works out.  Sadly this is not an option while I have so much actual “skin in the game.”

This made me realise everyone on earth is probably stuck tied to things they’d like to cut the strings to, and be released.  Jobs, mortgages, loans, conflicts, feuds, responsibilities, toxic relationships, even our own trauma.  And perhaps it is true, that life is just learning.  Learning to pick battles, learning to be vulnerable and tough in the appropriate situations.  Learning to let go and hold on.  Learning to Love and be Loved.  Learning to grieve.  Learning to rejoice.  We are all just learning.

And that brings me to the point of today’s blog.  What I have learned and wish I could have realized when I was much younger – Calm and self-sufficiency is power.  Engineering an existence that includes interludes of storm-free (sturmfrei) self-care is an incredible resource that everyone can have, but few people actually demand.

I have a story.  There’s a human being we are blessed to know who was on the brink of becoming an international position which would have assured them financial comfort and global respect. They are smart, competent and called to greatness.  As that incredible honour edged closer, this person realised how profoundly difficult and punctuated with power-dynamics the system they were working in was.  Long story short, they turned their back on their life’s work to pursue a quiet and meaningful life and so far, they are living much more happily ever after – after shuffling priorities – than most people.  They are still called to and creating greatness, but greatness is not what they seek. Inspiring.

I know things are going to be okay.  I also know some things will not be okay.  And, perhaps most importantly I know that I can’t change all these things.  There is precious little aside from my own thoughts and deeds that I can change in my time on this earth.  

So my choice is to sit in my own self-assured and reflective power and be storm free for a little while. Being alone and unburdened for a bit is a magical space indeed.

We have the farm.  It is a source of a lot of heartache and stress as we strive to create a safe and natural retreat for ourselves and others to regenerate and renew and be face to face with a natural world most people are drifting farther and farther away from.  So when the passive aggressive dumbassery of the system we operate in all gets too much, we have a place to retire to and see growth and improvement and a delicate and thriving ecosystem replete with biodiversity.  The farm wraps us in her arms and nobody but our team and occasionally a few beloved neighbours have access to us for a few days here and there.  

Some people have a craft room or reading nook.  Other people have a nature walk or beach that they return to when storms are raging.  

I think all I wanted to say today, is I hope you are having a smooth sail or cycle in your life, but if you are not, and if today there are storms storming, find shelter and clarity.  Storms will swell, and they’ll rage on and burn themselves out even if you find a safe space to get centred for a spell.  

And yes, today I am going up to the farm and I will see out team and our incredibly cute chickens being the lovely creatures they all are.  Then we intend to carry on to Whangerei where we will stay in a lovely off-grid whimsical treehouse for two nights.  The hosts are lovely and kind and willing to share their knowledge as so many people in this new industry are.  

And there’s something to be learned from stormy and smooth phases in our journey.  I just hope I am a worthy and willing student as it continues to ebb and flow around me.

Thanks for reading.