How Now

There was a post that flashed by my feed on Instagram a few weeks ago. A beautiful young woman with empty eyes on the left, and the same face with soulful kind eyes on the right. Apparently nearly 20 years had passed between pictures but the soulful eyed woman did not appear much older if any older at all. Her caption was something about wanting to hug the sad and angry young version of herself, which was viscerally relatable.

What I wouldn’t give for five minutes with my younger self. The most broken version of me really only surfaced a few short years ago when I set out on some wild trajectory to yell loud enough about carbon divestment that the whole world would hear me and I’d hoped to drown out the constant internal dialogue screaming at me that I was broken and unworthy. To hold her and tell her to brace and be brave, and learn to say the word no, much earlier and more often. She wanted so much to be loved and worthy, and really couldn’t comprehend how much she already was.

Over a year has now passed since I walked away rather abruptly from the trappings of fast paced high flying false friends and frenzied adventures. I’ve turned my back on luxuries that only made me feel empty. I’m still pampered and powerfully connected to people (only those who I choose and actively choose and support me as I do them) but my days are calm and my evenings are most often quiet with a few social and soul satisfying sessions. I still get sad, bicker with my family, and sometimes my partner and I argue and feel insecure or unsure, but the constant nagging desire to end my life has completely quieted. I’m at peace with my choices and my mistakes and ensconced in richer, healthier routines.

People still judge me harshly and snipe mean remarks or recount my mistakes gleefully, I can only assume to make themselves feel superior.

How now is life different to the insatiable people pleasing and “look at me!” days that weren’t that long ago? How now do I decide what to pursue and what to ignore? How now do I manage stress? How now do I exist?

Well, every day I’m hugging the frail version of me by choosing calm and not caring to nurture the needs of people who probably wouldn’t cross the street to throw a blanket or bucket of water on me if I burst into flames. I’m still deeply and importantly in Love with most everyone I meet, and see potential and opportunity in situations a lot of the time. Boundaries and clarity are how I roll now, there’s nothing more interesting happening than this.


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