At 45 years of age I find people to be fascinating, terrifying, exhilarating, exhausting, disappointing and magical in varying degrees.

Friendship is messy, magical, magnificent and opens opportunity for adventures that are only possible to enjoy when shared. It is kind of a really big deal to open a bit of ourselves (especially after being hurt) and let someone get close. There are also people we Love very much but for some reason or other we just fall out of step with each other, for a short or long time, and sometimes forever. Letting go is okay. Taking a break for a bit is okay. Losing touch and re-discovering people is okay. Holding on and cherishing people consistently is okay. Holding on too tight is probably not actually okay because you can suffocate or wither away waiting for validation you’re never going to get.

You are the boss of your life and the kind of friend you are is going to have a direct effect on the kind of friends people are to you. So be a good one and find a broken that fits, because at our point in life everyone has some kinda broken. Trick is finding complimentary and supportive dumpster fires and enjoying warming in the glow of each other’s authenticity and chaos.

I’m the kind of friend who roars in and out with very little rhyme or reason, but when I am with you, you are my whole world. I see you, I appreciate you, I am honoured to be sharing the blip on the time space continuum with you when we do. And if, for any reason, I take a moment away or fall out of touch for a bit, I will respect us both enough to tell you why I need some space and won’t carry any beef or bad feeling while this is in place. We find each other when we need to and if someone I Love needs me they can call on me anytime and I will do my best to step up, regardless of where I am or what I am doing. And that is exactly the kind of friend I want to have and be.

Does that make sense? I do hope it does.

For the past five years I have been rebuilding a life from the ground up after leaving an unhealthy marriage and ridiculously busy and soul shattering career. It has been a roller coaster of realisations. Life is simpler these days as I’m no longer powerful or important enough to a myriad of fake friends I once let into my precious inner sanctum and circle. This is a blessing I take time to be thankful for every day. Also, people who I may have completely overlooked or been unable to connect with have become my foundation. Reasons, seasons and lifetimes. Those cheesy memes and motivational posters are based on some sound wisdom it turns out.

My worst days of late are far safer and more satisfying than days I felt for fleeting moments like I was soaring in my overly designed and choreographed highlights reel of a hellish former existence. Don’t think there ever would have been the opportunity to pursue the peace I now enjoy had it not been for a complete and total meltdown and reboot. And that makes me wonder if chaos, emotional carnage and deep and life altering disappointment are perhaps necessary parts of being able to live an authentic and meaningful life.

We can unpack that another day though. Or not. I just want to talk about some of the changes that have happened and created a life of health and healing, and maybe you’re in a place where you are keen to apply some of my hard won wisdom to your own life. Or not. That’s what is great about me writing and you reading. Take what you need/want and leave what does not serve you.

Friendship Green Flags

• Laughter – Laughter is medicine. Like ACTUALLY! There are so many studies saying so. It can defuse difficult situations (or pour gasoline on the metaphorical fire if pulled out in the wrong context). Friends who you can laugh with are the salve on the wounds handed to us by the slings and arrows of our detractors, enemies, and struggles. Laughing with trusted friends at people and situations who have really hurt us takes away the power from the perpetrators and places it back in our hands. Laughing about things that make us cry takes out the burn of a very complicated and difficult life. Finding people you can laugh with, and who find the same or similar things funny is an immeasurable gift.

• Lifting – Surround yourself with allies and champions. People who will actively mention your name in a room full of opportunities, and brag about you rather than bitch about you behind your back are the only friends you need. A true friend is excited and energised by your success, as you ought to be by theirs. Respect, vulnerability and authenticity is the foundation of an uplifting relationship. You don’t have to measure this stuff in time spent together and there’s no tally to be taken between friends, you simply hold space for each other and are gentle when the chips are down and amplify and encourage your people when windfalls and magical moments are upon them.

• Love of Some of the Same Stuff – When you can geek out and let yourself really enjoy something with someone it is a huge green light. I’ve found peace and healing and friendship in lots of quirky communities like Star Trek cruises and Women Who Get Shit Done conferences. Having fundamental core beliefs and passions can bring people together and make us feel safe and seen in an often cold and cruel world. Lately I am growing deep connections with witchy women like myself, who have had enough of misogynistic BS. We catch up for cheese and chats or just cheer each other on from the sidelines, but right now calling a woman I love one of my witches is about the highest compliment I am able to give. We are powerful and we are pissed off. And our magic is undeniable.

• Honesty – People who are healing and doing the work on themselves that needs doing will tell the truth, to themselves and to you. Even, and most importantly, when that truth is difficult. We all know people who would rather be kissed with a lie than smacked with the truth, and those people surround themselves with sycophants and yes-people. They can have each other while we live out on the periphery of their fake little house of cards, real talking with beautifully broken besties. Friends will tell you the truth and not couch things in white lies. If myself or a friend is not up to a catch up we simply say so. We don’t make excuses or lie about it, we just say: “I need my duvet and a good cry, so I can’t make dinner” and that’s that. They’ll also tell me if I mess up, and, equally as importantly, tell me when I am doing well – and all that genuine virtuous cycle of truth is reflected back and forth in healthy and meaningful relationships.

• Learning – There will be rough patches and fall outs and failings in any friendship. Friends get you comfortably out of your comfort zone and sometimes things go smoothly and sometimes they do not. Really epic and magnificent friendships are always learning about themselves and each other and growing into better, kinder, funnier, more honest versions of themselves. Learning takes losing from time to time, so falling flat and having friends who pick up you while still laughing with you through the tears of defeat is kinda the best we can hope for. Fair weather friends who want/expect even keeled stuff just aren’t going to bring or find magic, so be open to learning in your relationships with others and yourself.

Friendship Red Flags

• Conditions vs Boundaries – From zero boundaries to being a complicated but beautiful spider web of boundaries, I have made a total transformation. You will probably already intuitively know the difference between boundaries and conditions. Boundaries keep us and the people around us safe. Conditions are transactional. I used to give everyone whiplash because it was all go at full throttle one minute then I’d disappear without a word the next. These days, I am far more consistent and far less available. Only people who make their intentions and expectations clear and reciprocate friendship with effort and enthusiasm remain. We don’t need constant connection but can ebb and flow with the currents of our lives because we are all busy and dealing with stuff. Friendship does take nurturing, but if you are given a long list of terms and conditions in a relationship, then you should probably red flag that. Boundaries good, transactional conditions not good.

• Snippy Sniping – If someone you let in/trust is forever gossiping and backstabbing and complaining about other people, chances are excellent they are doing the same to you. Do not walk but RUN away from those people. Occasionally blowing off steam and having a good solid moan about people in our lives with trusted friends is not only acceptable it is necessary, so know the difference between offloading and snippy sniping when you are giving or receiving either.

You know what… I have run out of steam for this blog but want to post more consistently so will stop abruptly there and post this up anyway.

Thanks so much for reading and I hope you have a lovely day.